Hurry UP and WAIT

So it's a "Talk about it Tuesday" which I created many moons ago, yet never took it seriously, basically completely forgot it even existed, and here we are.

With a glass of wine in tow, Ben Howard on Spotify, and a mind full of thoughts, here's how this blog post is going to start off.

Long, slow sip...

My last blog post entry was a brutally honest, yet very real in depth look into how my life has changed over the past 6 months. I've grown from this once bitter, "bitchy," hasty prude, who never wanted even the thought of raising a human child, to a more open-minded, spiritual, somewhat cheerful individual, who opened her extremely naive mind up to the thought of foster-adoption. Because heaven forbid, someone as mentally unstable and hypochondriac as myself could ever envision the thought of bearing children. Come on, it's me, Kadie. Really?

The amount of views I received from said blog post was mind boggling.
Yikes.

Siiiipppp....

So now here's a new one for ya. One that's been on my mind for quite some time, pondering...almost lost in thought, then a spark of ignition and I have these thoughts wrapped around the cobwebs in my thinking cavity.

My life as I know it, is going to be changing in a few very short months. Well, it's more my [husband's] and my lives are going to be changing.

If you have absolutely no idea, my husband is currently in the service. Military.
This walk of life hasn't been the nicest to both of us, and a few years ago my husband made the decision to end his time in the military once his time in service was completed. And guess what folks-next year is it!! As much as we are completely thrilled by this ever closing chapter in our lives, I can't help but think, "We are so spoiled, and will so not be, once we return back to civilian life."

It's true.,.for the most part.

The military has provided quite a bit to a young and ignorant couple as ourselves. We unfortunately don't know anything else since we are a "military wed couple" who moved far across the world to an unknown fate just 6 days after saying "I do." We have been married for roughly 5 years currently, btw!

But this civilian world is going to be new, challenging, and basically a disaster, lol.
Ok maybe not a disaster, but it's going to be TOUGH.

Sip. Sip. Sip.

We have been very blessed to be offered housing from my husband's family, who are currently working on their rental for us, and then for more tenants in the future. I am so thankful for this opportunity because honestly, my husband and I wouldn't be able to afford rent when we move back to our hometown next year. The cost of living and rental prices are OUT OF THIS WORLD.

I wish we could buy a home. We've talked about it. But since my husband is separating, and will be unemployed, we will not qualify for any sort of home loan until we can prove we can provide a form of payment monthly. So there goes that.

I feel like I'm just babbling on this blog post, lol.


So there ya go. I feel like I'm hurry up and waiting for what feels like a century. I'm ready to be done with this current lifestyle, but at the same time I'm scared sh**less for what the future's going to hold. We'll be in limbo, unemployed, and basically starting off life from square one again. Talk about a game changer.

I would love to continue blogging my trials and tribulations of living amongst civilians again. It's going to be freaking scary. Part of my is ready, and part of my wants to curl up in the fetal position rocking myself while wearing footie pajamas and a jar of Nutella within arms reach.

Wish me luck.

It's Been a While, and Things Have Changed...

I'm writing this on a Monday evening after spending 6 hours earlier this afternoon packaging up lots of orders from my "Spooky Sale" over on my Etsy shoppe (www.thesweetiebee.etsy.com)


It's been over 6 months since I've confided on my blog about my personal life.

Woah....

What's ironic about what I'm about to say might shock quite a few of you who have kept up with my blog over the past few years.


    The last blog I wrote mentioned how children weren't an ideal addition to my current life, and possibly my future as well. I didn't feel as if I would make a great mother, and figured since I just didn't pose the "mommy brain" I would just come to terms with never experiencing that chapter in my life.

    Over the past few months something has been weighing heavily on my heart.

That something is adoption.

I've been asked by numerous people who I've confided this to, tell me why would I wish to adopt?
Honestly, I think the reason why adoption weighs heavily on my heart is because the love and affection I have towards my two cats, Jubalee and Butters, and how they didn't spawn from my loins, yet I think of them as my babies, my "fur kids."

The "motherly" desire is there, clearly, because of the amount of love I have for my two cats. I don't know...I always remember the saying, "Love is love is love," and feel that I could love a child that didn't "come" from me.

    Yes, I am very aware a CAT is NOT a human being. I am VERY aware human children are much more expensive, require much more needed care, and also much more dedication than the average feline.

But....is what many individuals do not understand is Jubalee is a diabetic cat, and requires much much more needed attention and care than any average cat. Again I am absolutely NOT comparing my diabetic feline to a child!!

I've also been versed in the costs for adopting a child. What country I wish to adopt from, and also whether or not to go forth with an open adoption verses a closed adoption. I am aware of the amount of time I could potentially be waiting for a child to enter my life as well.

I honestly haven't gotten too far into this thought, but it's there, and it's been weighing on my mind.

The thought of being a "mother" to a human child hasn't quite sunk in, and I still have absolutely no desire into having my own children. (Yes my husband and I are still happily married...this is NOT the reason I've been considering adoption.)

There are personal reasons why I've been considering this idea, yet I'm not comfortable discussing those reasons entirely.

Hopefully I'll post more often than once every 6 months, especially with this post and hopefully more similar to it.

Until next time,

Kadie~

Are We Ever Having Kids?

Are we ever having kids???

    Today we celebrated our four years of being in holy matrimony. It has seriously felt like it was just yesterday we were standing in front of our friends and family saying our vows to one another and exchanging rings, becoming one.

    We've always had friends and family ask us when a Baby Frazier was in the works. Ever since our one year mark. We've joked around saying, "Well as a matter of fact we are!" and even did an April Fool's joke (this was before all the sensitivity of couples with infertility or miscarriages.) Although it was merely a joke, we were surprised to find out many friends and family weren't thrilled at first that we were "expecting."

    About three years ago I became very bitter and drew myself in a very depressive and angry state of mind. I didn't want kids because I just didn't. This made my husband not only sad but confused since I had always wanted children way before we were married. I talked about names, genders, timeline of births, etc. My husband has always wanted kids too. He LOVES kids. When he was in high school he spent a few years caring for his nephew which he learned what kids need and how to discipline them. I was introduced to kids when I started working for some local day cares. Kids are AMAZING little people. I fell instantly in love with many of these little humans, and couldn't wait to have my own one day with my significant other.

    Everything changed once I got married. Once I moved out of my parent's home, once I actually started adulting. I was ignorant, naive, and childish. I lived in this fantasy I saw on television, and how these families were so incredibly happy and life was carefree. Life ISN'T amazing all the time, and adulting is HARD. 

    So back to this serious question: Are my husband and I ever having KIDS??????????????????????

Honestly, after being married for four years, and together for almost six years, we are NOT the same people we were way back when. We've grown up, moved overseas and back, pay our own bills, and legitimately ADULT now. We still live far from family, and honestly can't call or run back to mommy and daddy all the time. We take care of ourselves, and we do us.

My husband and I have a five year plan, which at the moment doesn't include kids...yet.

We are separating from the military, moving back to our state of residency, and hopefully buying our first home. We are both planning to go back to school, receive degrees, be hired at stable jobs, and THEN maybe if we have a missing something in our lives, kids will happen. It's not a yes, but it's also not a no either. 

    We both love kids. We love our friend's kiddos here at our current base, and love seeing our friends bring new life into their family. Babies are seriously freaking adorable. 

But we're just not sure if having our own kids is what we both want. This also goes for adoption. We just aren't sure. We are so fulfilled with our lives at the moment, and when we talk about having a baby, the conversation easily gets put on the back burner, because we simply can't imagine our lives with a baby yet. 

   Our lives are somewhat hectic currently. Many people don't believe that, and when we say "special need pets," many cock their head, or laugh out loud and say, "Oh sure."

Our kitties require quite a bit of attention, especially our little diabetic kitty, Jubalee Jujubee. We usually have to cut our dinners with friends short, or run back home to test, feed and give Jubalee her insulin. Then run back to our friend's home, and then back a few hours later to check her glucose numbers. She's not a person, who we can just tote along and everything's fine and dandy. She's a CAT.  Cats are homebodies. Cats HATE car rides. Cats are weird, lol.

So there ya have it. Kiddos are not a definite no, but they're also not a definite yes either. We are also NOT "not preventing and what happens will happen" method. We respect every other couple's decision with their choice in children, and would appreciate our choice as well!

Almost Giving Up & Realizing the Reality

**DISCLAIMER: This blog post is NOT describing a suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, or any of the above. If you are going through any of these thoughts, PLEASE seek necessary help before reading someone else's thoughts and how they're attempting to get over their depression/anxiety. Mental illness should NOT be self diagnosed, and reading a blog post isn't the first place to start. Please seek help. I thought this should be made clear BEFORE you read in depth more into this blog post.

I almost gave up.

This last year, 2015 was by far the year I have struggled with the most out of all the years in my short 27 years of living. I'm not going to say the entire year was shit, because it wasn't. I had some amazing thing happen last year also.

But as a complete whole, the majority of last year was rocky.

I'm not exactly sure when I realized my "Ah Ha!" moment became a thing, but it did. Probably the new year had something to do with it, and probably all the folks with the memes jabbing how the gyms are always full with new people, then a few weeks later return to the same low number. Maybe it sparked my ambition, I dunno.

The year 2015 did something to me. It made me realize that my life up until those difficult moments was being lived ignorantly, and blindly. I was so incredibly oblivious to the "normality" of everyday life, having very little desire to escape my home, meet up with friends, or even volunteer my bottom loads of time to help the community. I was a dependent hermit, who hated being alone. 

And sadly, I was completely and one hundred percent okay with that....or so I thought.

I really take those sayings about "In order to have the high moments, you have to experience the low moments in life as well" to heart. There's a bunch of them out there, and they all basically mean the same thing. In order to experience being happy, you also need experience being sad.

And that's exactly what happened to me in 2015. I was "sad" for most of the year, beginning in April when one of our beloved kitties fell deathly ill. My life during those moments was completely shattered. My heart was aching, and I felt so weak and unable to fully process what was happening to myself during those troubling  moments. 

I almost gave up. 

My husband and I almost made the decision to put our very sick kitty to sleep, so she wouldn't suffer anymore. So we wouldn't suffer emotionally and financially anymore.

I almost gave up...hope.

I'd call this ultimately incredible low moment in my life a blessing in disguise. It made me so much more aware of life, and how ignorant and honestly STUPID I was to the outside world. Because I had been living this perfect little happy pappy fairy tale of a housewife for so long. Realistically speaking, I wasn't even slightly ready for something life changing as what happened to our kitty.

It was almost like a snowball effect, or when it rains it pours type of deal. One not-so-great thing happened again and again. A health scare, a diagnosis, another financial crisis, another health scare, etc. This year brought the most challenges into our lives than any other year had so far.

I almost gave up.

There were times I just wanted to run away, back to my parent's home and hide in the closet for all eternity. Not having a desire to deal with the world, not existing in the reality of things. Just breathing.

I almost gave up...my ambition.

I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did last year, never felt as much hurt and pain. To be so incredibly LOW, and have absolutely ZERO desire at all to even get out of bed. 

I almost gave up..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

BUT...I didn't.

In a way I believe it's a GOOD thing for not-so-great things to happen to people, in a certain period in their lives. I think some people really NEED a good kick in the pants. To show them just how wonderful and amazing life can be when you take away from the bad and turn those terrible things into something WONDERFUL and SPECIAL. 

"When life throws you lemons, make lemonade."

Living with a special needs cat has taught me the ultimate responsibility. Understanding Jubalee (the kitty's) diabetic needs has helped me understand what it's like to care for someone who is very dependent on YOU, and you only. Before Jubalee's diagnosis, I would sleep in until noon, feed the cats whenever, and watch YouTube for hours on end. Now I have a pretty strict schedule, with feedings, testing her glucose, and giving insulin. It's one of the reasons I live for every day. Take it as you will, one person's mountains are another person's grain of sand.

After understanding the reasons WHY I was so sad, and getting diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety, it's helped me to become a more AWARE and CAUTIOUS person. To think before I act, and to always always ALWAYS have a plan B and plan C. Things HAPPEN.

I am not the same person I was 3 years ago, or even 2 years ago. Heck I don't even think I'm the same person I was one year ago. I'm not saying that crap "New year, new me!" stuff. I'm thankful for a new year, a fresh start, but I'm also thankful for what happened the prior year.

It's made me the person I am today, and I feel I've become a more forgiving, and ultimately more realistic way of living type of person....a realist. 

I am so thankful I am not in denial anymore. Living in denial is probably one of the most scariest, unhealthy ways to think and live ever.

Do yourself a favor and look around you...live realistically, not in a made up fantasy.

Dear 2015...for me, you SUCKED!

Ah this year is almost done and over with...thank GOODNESS.

I don't think I have ever been more excited about ending such a terrible year than this year, 2015.

I know, I know. For many it was the best year so far in their lives. Engagements, weddings, expecting a baby/babies, graduating high school, college, buying a home, getting PCS orders, and even losing weight. I am beyond thrilled for each and every one of you all who in the year 2015 accomplished so freaking much. Woo to you!

But not everyone was so blessed this year. Some individuals, like myself basically ended up with (I'll say it without swear words) a completely freaking crappy year. A year that challenged their faith, spirit, and overall life itself. A year full of drama and spitefulness.

This year unlike any other started (well in April) with Jubalee Jujubee getting very very sick and being diagnosed with severely progressed diabetes ketoacidosis. She was in the emergency animal hospital for 4 days, where she was hooked up to numerous IV's, multiple tests preformed every 3-4 hours, a handful of ultrasounds, and her overall body completely turned inside out. This crisis really put a damper onto our financial situation, taking out a large chunk of our savings so we could save our kitty. Because she is more than "just a cat." Luckily Jubalee pulled through and to this day, even though she is still living with diabetes, she is happy and healthy. This condition isn't the kindest on a single income wallet...it cost our family around $200-$300/month to care for Jubalee alone. From low carb wet feed to testing strips, she is the most expensive family member!

Another thing happened this year, shortly after the diagnosis of Jubalee.
I have always dealt with a mild amount of anxiety, but I knew I was way above my head when it was getting harder and harder to control my emotions away from the home. Breaking down in a grocery store isn't the best thing to happen, especially when there are eyes everywhere and military wives are the biggest bunch of gossipers. Let's just say I realized it was time to seek help.
I denied it at first. That I was just an ultra sensitive, really immature hermit, who had nothing better to do with her time than curl up on the couch eating packets upon packets of ramen with her phone glued to her hand scrolling and trolling on Facebook. But it was a problem. A HUGE problem. Living the way I was isn't normal. It's NOT okay to let the world pass you by while you're vegging ignoring the bigger picture.
After I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety (and I am NOT sorry I'm letting people be aware of this, NOR am I proud for telling this to the world...I am NOT embarrassed because I believe these issues shouldn't be masked from people who think they're ALONE living this way!!!!!!!)
.....................................................................

Anyways, so after being diagnosed, I began to see the world in a different light. NO I am NOT saying I found religion, or started a health regimen, began an entrepreneur journey, or became an activist for all things happy. I just realized that I have issues, and I need to fix them.

I won't say this journey has been "easy." There have been lots and lots and lots of times where I've wanted to give up, and go back into my old habits. Which honestly I have, since the initial "ah ha" moment. It's really about the progression YOU make, not how someone else wants you to make, say in a week's time.

I still have a LONG way to go. And there are still days I feel like absolutely shit (whoops, forgot I wasn't going to swear...eh, whatever) and don't want to do anything. BUT, I remembered what Oprah said one time (years ago) that if (you) can accomplish ONE thing per day, consider that a win, no matter how small, YOU did something that will HELP you.
So that's what I've taken to heart. Because let's face it, (me) accomplishing anything "big" at this time in my life is quite an exaggeration, lol. I am in no way physically or mentally ready to accomplish anything more than cleaning out the cat litter box, making sure Jubalee is administered her insulin twice a day, crossing everything off the grocery shopping list when I go grocery shopping, and showering more than once a week. (PLEASE reconsider comparing me to (your) normal day-to-day regular life happenings...we are ALL running at different speeds in life!)


Another realization I had this year was having absolutely no desire to have my own human children, but I'm not going to go too much into that simply because that topic has been beaten like a dead horse both on my blog and on my personal Facebook. I feel that my depression and anxiety have a pretty large roll in what my feelings are towards children, and I think once I began feeling more like myself is when I can determine whether or not I actually want to be a mother to human kids one day. For now it's in no way happening, because I am not physically or mentally capable of conceiving a child in my current state.

Yet again we were away from our loved ones this holiday season, which I absolutely DESPISE. A great sadness comes over me when I see families all happy pappy and laughing and such spending this time of the year all together. I really wanted to see my family this year for Christmas, but circumstances kept us from doing that thanks to the icy mountainous roads, a 2WD vehicle, and expensive air fare for our cats.

I'm just ready to be done and over with this separation from my family. I hate it. It's great for some people, who aren't super tight with their families, and can go years without seeing or hearing from them. I'm just not that kind of person. I cannot wait for the day when I can just call up my family and ask, "Hey wanna have dinner together tonight?" Or them ask me, "Hey on your way home could you stop off at the feed store and pick up some ointment?"

This next year can't pass soon enough.

Just like the title of this blog post, yeah, for ME 2015 really, really sucked, and I am SO happy it's almost over. I know some people don't believe in the whole "new year new me!" thing, but to each their own. There's a reason why an old year ends and a new year begins.

I'm just hoping and praying this new year, 2016 will be bucket loads of awesome better than this year.

2016, you better be good to me, because I'm going to try my hardest to be good to you!!!

I'm Not Me, and Other Things...

Something has happened.
 I'm not me.

I'm empty.

I was never this way. I used to be a happy, joyful, funny, quirky, interesting, loving, caring, optimistic, energetic, likable, big-hearted, multi-tasking, singing in the shower kind of person.

And now I'm basically all the opposites of those.

As I sat on the couch for the umpteenth thousandth time in our new living room overseas, it became clear to me that I had been repeating this exact same routine for the last 6 months. Wake up at noon, watch YouTube or a movie, eat junk food, and wait for my husband to return home from work. It was those moments, and continuous other ones, when I began to realize I was losing myself. In a foreign country, away from my close family and friends...and feeling so so lonely.



I began to worry. I began to feel hopeless.

I have always had some anxiety. But most of it I could deal with and hide fairly well.

Until now.

I couldn't control my feelings. I couldn't hide what I was feeling, and cried.

I became a very sad and unhappy person.



I missed my home, and being with familiar faces and spaces.

I can't believe it happened. How did I allow myself to become this way?
Here's the timeline I have jotted down for what I believe were the ingredients to my behavior:

2012:

• Getting married (happy)
• Flying overseas to a completely new, yet strange and different foreign country (both exciting and sad...I became heavily homesick)
• Learning to be an adult and do things for myself (difficult and overwhelming...sad)
• Being alone while my husband was at work (sad)
• Trying to get a job with no luck (sad/anger)
• Learning that having a home business in Italy was illegal (sad/anger)
• Our house flooding (sad)
• Spouse drama (sad/anger)
• Getting a new kitten (happy)
• Not being with family for Christmas, first time ever (ultimately sad)
  
  

2013:

• A start to the new year (happy)
• A medical scare (scary and sad)
• The feelings of not wanting children (sad)
• The end of a friendship (sad/anger)
• Seeing my family for the first time in over a year (happy)
• Spending time with family and friends (happy)
• Friend drama (anger)
• My husband coming back to see family and friends (happy)
• My husband leaving to go back overseas (sad)
• Myself never wanting to go back overseas (sad)
• Buying a newer car (happy)
• The loss of a pet (ultimately sad)
• Another round of holidays spent without family

2014:

• The thought this would be the last year overseas (happy)
• A medical scare (sad)
• The feelings of not wanting children (sad)
• Friendship drama (sad/anger)
• A car dilemma (frustration)
• A medical scare (sad)
• Leaving overseas (happy/overwhelmed feelings)
• Seeing family I hadn't seen in over a year (happy)
• Celebrating the holidays with family (happy)
• A car accident (sad)

2015:

• New job (happy)
• Going back to school (happy)
• Pet crisis (sad/frustrated/ultimately life changing)
• Quitting job and school to take care of pet (sad)
• Learning to accommodate special need pet's medical care (sad/angry/frustrated)
• Managing special need pet's medical needs (challenging/determined)
• Pet goes into remission (happy/overjoyed)
• Pet goes out of remission (depleted/failed/loss of all desire

Obviously I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. People change. People grow. But people shouldn't grow bitter or backwards. And I believe that's exactly what happened to me. I became ultimately sad.

I really blamed all my problems on being overseas. So many doors were shut while living over there, I honestly thought most if not all those problems would disappear and vanish once I returned back to the states. And for the most part, most of my problems did. But history has a funny way of repeating things. And life has a interesting way of making you realize just how strong a person is. Life sure does love throwing curve balls at people who need a good kick in the pants, and I guess me being miserable overseas just wasn't enough, now dealing with a special needs pet would make life just grand.

I am still not me.

What I absolutely despise people telling to me is that I'm making all this up. That I actually want to feel this way. That I'm lazy.





I cannot stand when people say this to me.

I have lost numerous relationships because of my sad and bitter feelings. And I regret so much about what I posted on Facebook the pas 3 years in terms of complaining, anger, "feel sorry for me" posts, and pointing individuals out who I'm jealous over. That isn't right. That's rude. And hurtful. And I don't blame people for deleting me from their lives. Because I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was that cruel either.
So now here I am. I feel lost most days. My anxiety has become a norm in my day-to-day life, and I don't think I've had an anxiety-free day for a really long time. I've always been uptight, but never this uptight.

So over the summer, I decided enough was enough. It was obvious how I was attempting to relieve my anxiety and stress at home was obviously not working what so ever. 

I am not exactly comfortable with sharing anymore of my story about my sad feelings or anxiety just yet. I still have a long way to go, and I'm really hoping I can get over this hiccup in my road of life.

Until the, here are some other meme's I came across and thought they were comical yet so true.

Don't Worry be...Grumpy?I I

I was supposed to get this blog post up on Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Way to go, Kadie.

I'm grumpy. I've been feeling this way for a while now. Not all the time, but there's been some recent happenings which have triggered these not-so-happy feelings.

I don't like calling myself mad. Because I'm not. I'm not mad, nor angry.
I'm frustrated, flustered, frazzled...I'm hurt.

Ever since I can remember, I've been an uber sensitive person. Like hardcore to the max, anyone were to say anything to me, or even look at me the wrong way, the wrong time...I'd get hurt. As I grew older I started growing an actual backbone and wasn't "so" sensitive about many things. But regardless, some things still and always will get to me.

There was one time in my life where I couldn't imagine doing anything else. But times have changed, and realistically speaking, things have changed too much.

Too much to the point bridges have been burned, and yesteryear just isn't the wonderful happy memories I remember them being.

It's sad. It's unfortunate. It's confusing.

So here I am, not doing a whole lot with my life. Staying stagnate. I wouldn't consider myself living in the present, more living up in the air. Not really knowing what's going to happen tomorrow, but aware of what happened yesterday.

I don't feel I should go any further into this blog post. It is what it is. I'm grumpy. I'm hurt.

**For those who can't wait for a scandalous rumor about my husband and I, this has NOTHING to do with the two of us. We are still very happily married. This topic is something dealing with me completely, nothing to do with my husband or the two of us together. So please, if you're looking for a juicy gossip topic, Hollywood has plenty of those.