Those who know me personally know I struggle with anxiety and over-thinking basically everything.
Those that don't know think I'm a stuck up b**** who is crazy spoiled because I'm a military wife. Which is completely and 100% false. Yeah I'm a military wife, but the weekly manicures, plethora amount of Coach purses, and bragging about my husband's rank are 3 things which do not have my name written anywhere on them. I'm a "from the sticks," keep-my-nails-short-because-I-play-musical-instruments, bought my ONE Coach mini purse half off, support but don't brag about my husband" kinda gal.
AND I'M COMPLETELY GETTING OFF TOPIC!
So back to the beginning of this post. Anxiety. Anxiety and I basically go hand in hand. I worry pretty much 23 out of the 24 hours of the day...yep, my dreams consist of worrying about whatever too. I can tell when an anxiety attack is coming on. I'll get chills, my heart will start pounding, and my brain will wander off into the worry zone in my cranium which basically fills 8/10ths of my head cavity. I am a glorified Worry Wart.
So you're prolly wondering, "Ok, so what does the word 'reproduce' in the title have anything to do with this post?"
Through the last 3 years of being married I have been a witness to an amazing amount of my friends both close and acquaintances who have taken the leap and started a family of human children. My heart has been filled with joy being there through many of the precious milestones starting with the baby bump all the way to their child's first tooth. When people say this is one of happiest times in their lives, I completely and absolutely believe it. When these parents tell me these are some of the most stressful and sleepless times in their lives, yeah I believe that too.
So what point am I trying to make here? I'm not trying to get a point across actually. My mind is almost split down in half with this whole baby mania thing that is getting harder and harder to avoid as I grow older and the years of being married grow a number every year as well. As I'm constantly and continuously asked (politely and curiously most cases) why I'm at this age already and don't have a bun in the oven, a kid slung on my hip, or one toddling by my side, all I can really do now is chuckle. And not in a nasty spiteful way. It's because I've been asked this more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. After being married for 6 whole months, a few friends gently poked and prodded when the pitter patter of Baby Frazier would be heard. Three years ago I would make a joke like, "Well we haven't even been married a year yet, so let's just wait until that mile marker hits ok?"
Then the year marker passed and more and more friends began poking and prodding asking when we were going to make the big announcement. And again I told them we were planning for our future, and being overseas away from our families wasn't ideal for both of us who are both super family oriented people. So I told them give it another year and then come back and ask.
Then the 2 year marker came and passed and I then started to get the concerning question if either me or my husband were infertile. That's when the poking and prodding really started to get to me. We were still living overseas and though I repeatedly told people we wanted our families near for this special time in our lives, many told us starting a family shouldn't matter to your families, it should matter to you. How did I respond to this? Deleted them off my social media and averted my direction when seeing them in public. Ain't nobody got time for dat.
So now here it is present day. We've been married close to 3 years (almost 4 legally.) And babies still aren't considered on the "To-Do" list. Do we want kids? Yes...and maybe no. Just like when we were married 6 months back in Italy, human children were still up in the air, and a "We'll get to that later" type of attitude. Later doesn't have a date for us. But also we're not the "If it happens, it happens!" type of couple either. My anxiety won't let me consider that type of mindset. The type that is carefree, worry free, and let life take you by the hand. I have never lived that way and am waaay too uptight and self controlling.
A part of me wishes I would let go of these anxious fears. I have been asked, "What are you so afraid about?" To be honest, I think all of it. The whole having a baby thing from A to Z. From start to finish (is there really ever an actual finish? More like infinity.)
I'm anxious to carry a child inside me.
I'm anxious to give birth.
I'm anxious to feed a child.
I'm anxious I won't understand when a child is sick.
I'm anxious about when a child sleeps.
I'm anxious about illnesses a child can acquire.
I'm anxious I won't have maternal instincts.
I'm anxious I will get so stressed out I will run away.
I'm anxious if I run away this child will resent me forever.
I'm anxious if I run away my husband will resent me forever.
After nearly 3 years of happily married to my one and only, I am still not ready to bring a human life into this world. Yep, I still can't wrap my head around the thought of myself reproducing.
And this has NOTHING to do with my husband. Because I knew from the start he would make an amazing father. That was one of the many, many things I was utterly and completely attracted to when I knew 1 month after dating him that he was the one. My husband is one of the most caring and take charge type of men I know. I know I sound boastful because I bet so many other women say that about their significant others but I mean everything I said. He would be there through thick and thin.
So I have to ask myself, "What the heck is wrong with me?"
I know my friends and family have said, "Oh you'll know when you know," and "You are still so young!" and "There's always adoption."
It's not just the "having a baby" thing I'm anxious about. It's actually raising a child too. Because of how I act and react as an adult, I'm just not so sure if taking care of another human life would be a wise decision for myself. I'm uber selfish, and (and this is going to sound strange) I am completely and hopelessly obsessed with our cats. Like an addiction. Not unhealthy, but not your typical "I love my cat" kind of thing. I treat our cats like they're our kids. But cats are SO EASY.
I tell people, "If you have a dog you somewhat like human kids because dogs are like human children in a way." "True anti kid people have cats. Or no pets at all, lol."
Stereotypical as that sounds, dogs are very much like a furry human child. They NEED your attention. They NEED to played with. They WANT to be next to you. Dogs are very awesome, but I honestly couldn't handle a dog if I owned one. So what does that tell you about me?
Bitter as this blog post sounds, I'm glad I finally got this off my chest. The ACTUAL reasons why human children still aren't on my "To do" list. I'm officially in my late twenties, I can hear my biological ticking in the background and I'm continuously ignoring the sound by watching my mass amount of YouTube videos. Luckily since we've traveled back to the Mother Land there have been so many more distractions I have been able to participate in like a job and school. Those help keep my mind on track for what I still want to accomplish in this lifespan.
So here's where I end my blog post. Still not a baby maker, nor a newlywed anymore...somewhere in between. And as rumors may stir and questions become more prevalent, I am starting to take on everything more with a grain of sand. If kids don't ever enter my life I'm ok with that. In a way it's sad, but in another way I absolutely HAVE to be ready for a kid to enter our lives. I know it's BOTH my husband and my choice, so this choice has to be mutual.
Cheers, Kadie
