Ah this year is almost done and over with...thank GOODNESS.
I don't think I have ever been more excited about ending such a terrible year than this year, 2015.
I know, I know. For many it was the best year so far in their lives. Engagements, weddings, expecting a baby/babies, graduating high school, college, buying a home, getting PCS orders, and even losing weight. I am beyond thrilled for each and every one of you all who in the year 2015 accomplished so freaking much. Woo to you!
But not everyone was so blessed this year. Some individuals, like myself basically ended up with (I'll say it without swear words) a completely freaking crappy year. A year that challenged their faith, spirit, and overall life itself. A year full of drama and spitefulness.
This year unlike any other started (well in April) with Jubalee Jujubee getting very very sick and being diagnosed with severely progressed diabetes ketoacidosis. She was in the emergency animal hospital for 4 days, where she was hooked up to numerous IV's, multiple tests preformed every 3-4 hours, a handful of ultrasounds, and her overall body completely turned inside out. This crisis really put a damper onto our financial situation, taking out a large chunk of our savings so we could save our kitty. Because she is more than "just a cat." Luckily Jubalee pulled through and to this day, even though she is still living with diabetes, she is happy and healthy. This condition isn't the kindest on a single income wallet...it cost our family around $200-$300/month to care for Jubalee alone. From low carb wet feed to testing strips, she is the most expensive family member!
Another thing happened this year, shortly after the diagnosis of Jubalee.
I have always dealt with a mild amount of anxiety, but I knew I was way above my head when it was getting harder and harder to control my emotions away from the home. Breaking down in a grocery store isn't the best thing to happen, especially when there are eyes everywhere and military wives are the biggest bunch of gossipers. Let's just say I realized it was time to seek help.
I denied it at first. That I was just an ultra sensitive, really immature hermit, who had nothing better to do with her time than curl up on the couch eating packets upon packets of ramen with her phone glued to her hand scrolling and trolling on Facebook. But it was a problem. A HUGE problem. Living the way I was isn't normal. It's NOT okay to let the world pass you by while you're vegging ignoring the bigger picture.
After I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety (and I am NOT sorry I'm letting people be aware of this, NOR am I proud for telling this to the world...I am NOT embarrassed because I believe these issues shouldn't be masked from people who think they're ALONE living this way!!!!!!!)
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Anyways, so after being diagnosed, I began to see the world in a different light. NO I am NOT saying I found religion, or started a health regimen, began an entrepreneur journey, or became an activist for all things happy. I just realized that I have issues, and I need to fix them.
I won't say this journey has been "easy." There have been lots and lots and lots of times where I've wanted to give up, and go back into my old habits. Which honestly I have, since the initial "ah ha" moment. It's really about the progression YOU make, not how someone else wants you to make, say in a week's time.
I still have a LONG way to go. And there are still days I feel like absolutely shit (whoops, forgot I wasn't going to swear...eh, whatever) and don't want to do anything. BUT, I remembered what Oprah said one time (years ago) that if (you) can accomplish ONE thing per day, consider that a win, no matter how small, YOU did something that will HELP you.
So that's what I've taken to heart. Because let's face it, (me) accomplishing anything "big" at this time in my life is quite an exaggeration, lol. I am in no way physically or mentally ready to accomplish anything more than cleaning out the cat litter box, making sure Jubalee is administered her insulin twice a day, crossing everything off the grocery shopping list when I go grocery shopping, and showering more than once a week. (PLEASE reconsider comparing me to (your) normal day-to-day regular life happenings...we are ALL running at different speeds in life!)
Another realization I had this year was having absolutely no desire to have my own human children, but I'm not going to go too much into that simply because that topic has been beaten like a dead horse both on my blog and on my personal Facebook. I feel that my depression and anxiety have a pretty large roll in what my feelings are towards children, and I think once I began feeling more like myself is when I can determine whether or not I actually want to be a mother to human kids one day. For now it's in no way happening, because I am not physically or mentally capable of conceiving a child in my current state.
Yet again we were away from our loved ones this holiday season, which I absolutely DESPISE. A great sadness comes over me when I see families all happy pappy and laughing and such spending this time of the year all together. I really wanted to see my family this year for Christmas, but circumstances kept us from doing that thanks to the icy mountainous roads, a 2WD vehicle, and expensive air fare for our cats.
I'm just ready to be done and over with this separation from my family. I hate it. It's great for some people, who aren't super tight with their families, and can go years without seeing or hearing from them. I'm just not that kind of person. I cannot wait for the day when I can just call up my family and ask, "Hey wanna have dinner together tonight?" Or them ask me, "Hey on your way home could you stop off at the feed store and pick up some ointment?"
This next year can't pass soon enough.
Just like the title of this blog post, yeah, for ME 2015 really, really sucked, and I am SO happy it's almost over. I know some people don't believe in the whole "new year new me!" thing, but to each their own. There's a reason why an old year ends and a new year begins.
I'm just hoping and praying this new year, 2016 will be bucket loads of awesome better than this year.
2016, you better be good to me, because I'm going to try my hardest to be good to you!!!
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