I'm Not Me, and Other Things...

Something has happened.
 I'm not me.

I'm empty.

I was never this way. I used to be a happy, joyful, funny, quirky, interesting, loving, caring, optimistic, energetic, likable, big-hearted, multi-tasking, singing in the shower kind of person.

And now I'm basically all the opposites of those.

As I sat on the couch for the umpteenth thousandth time in our new living room overseas, it became clear to me that I had been repeating this exact same routine for the last 6 months. Wake up at noon, watch YouTube or a movie, eat junk food, and wait for my husband to return home from work. It was those moments, and continuous other ones, when I began to realize I was losing myself. In a foreign country, away from my close family and friends...and feeling so so lonely.



I began to worry. I began to feel hopeless.

I have always had some anxiety. But most of it I could deal with and hide fairly well.

Until now.

I couldn't control my feelings. I couldn't hide what I was feeling, and cried.

I became a very sad and unhappy person.



I missed my home, and being with familiar faces and spaces.

I can't believe it happened. How did I allow myself to become this way?
Here's the timeline I have jotted down for what I believe were the ingredients to my behavior:

2012:

• Getting married (happy)
• Flying overseas to a completely new, yet strange and different foreign country (both exciting and sad...I became heavily homesick)
• Learning to be an adult and do things for myself (difficult and overwhelming...sad)
• Being alone while my husband was at work (sad)
• Trying to get a job with no luck (sad/anger)
• Learning that having a home business in Italy was illegal (sad/anger)
• Our house flooding (sad)
• Spouse drama (sad/anger)
• Getting a new kitten (happy)
• Not being with family for Christmas, first time ever (ultimately sad)
  
  

2013:

• A start to the new year (happy)
• A medical scare (scary and sad)
• The feelings of not wanting children (sad)
• The end of a friendship (sad/anger)
• Seeing my family for the first time in over a year (happy)
• Spending time with family and friends (happy)
• Friend drama (anger)
• My husband coming back to see family and friends (happy)
• My husband leaving to go back overseas (sad)
• Myself never wanting to go back overseas (sad)
• Buying a newer car (happy)
• The loss of a pet (ultimately sad)
• Another round of holidays spent without family

2014:

• The thought this would be the last year overseas (happy)
• A medical scare (sad)
• The feelings of not wanting children (sad)
• Friendship drama (sad/anger)
• A car dilemma (frustration)
• A medical scare (sad)
• Leaving overseas (happy/overwhelmed feelings)
• Seeing family I hadn't seen in over a year (happy)
• Celebrating the holidays with family (happy)
• A car accident (sad)

2015:

• New job (happy)
• Going back to school (happy)
• Pet crisis (sad/frustrated/ultimately life changing)
• Quitting job and school to take care of pet (sad)
• Learning to accommodate special need pet's medical care (sad/angry/frustrated)
• Managing special need pet's medical needs (challenging/determined)
• Pet goes into remission (happy/overjoyed)
• Pet goes out of remission (depleted/failed/loss of all desire

Obviously I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. People change. People grow. But people shouldn't grow bitter or backwards. And I believe that's exactly what happened to me. I became ultimately sad.

I really blamed all my problems on being overseas. So many doors were shut while living over there, I honestly thought most if not all those problems would disappear and vanish once I returned back to the states. And for the most part, most of my problems did. But history has a funny way of repeating things. And life has a interesting way of making you realize just how strong a person is. Life sure does love throwing curve balls at people who need a good kick in the pants, and I guess me being miserable overseas just wasn't enough, now dealing with a special needs pet would make life just grand.

I am still not me.

What I absolutely despise people telling to me is that I'm making all this up. That I actually want to feel this way. That I'm lazy.





I cannot stand when people say this to me.

I have lost numerous relationships because of my sad and bitter feelings. And I regret so much about what I posted on Facebook the pas 3 years in terms of complaining, anger, "feel sorry for me" posts, and pointing individuals out who I'm jealous over. That isn't right. That's rude. And hurtful. And I don't blame people for deleting me from their lives. Because I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was that cruel either.
So now here I am. I feel lost most days. My anxiety has become a norm in my day-to-day life, and I don't think I've had an anxiety-free day for a really long time. I've always been uptight, but never this uptight.

So over the summer, I decided enough was enough. It was obvious how I was attempting to relieve my anxiety and stress at home was obviously not working what so ever. 

I am not exactly comfortable with sharing anymore of my story about my sad feelings or anxiety just yet. I still have a long way to go, and I'm really hoping I can get over this hiccup in my road of life.

Until the, here are some other meme's I came across and thought they were comical yet so true.