Almost Giving Up & Realizing the Reality

**DISCLAIMER: This blog post is NOT describing a suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, or any of the above. If you are going through any of these thoughts, PLEASE seek necessary help before reading someone else's thoughts and how they're attempting to get over their depression/anxiety. Mental illness should NOT be self diagnosed, and reading a blog post isn't the first place to start. Please seek help. I thought this should be made clear BEFORE you read in depth more into this blog post.

I almost gave up.

This last year, 2015 was by far the year I have struggled with the most out of all the years in my short 27 years of living. I'm not going to say the entire year was shit, because it wasn't. I had some amazing thing happen last year also.

But as a complete whole, the majority of last year was rocky.

I'm not exactly sure when I realized my "Ah Ha!" moment became a thing, but it did. Probably the new year had something to do with it, and probably all the folks with the memes jabbing how the gyms are always full with new people, then a few weeks later return to the same low number. Maybe it sparked my ambition, I dunno.

The year 2015 did something to me. It made me realize that my life up until those difficult moments was being lived ignorantly, and blindly. I was so incredibly oblivious to the "normality" of everyday life, having very little desire to escape my home, meet up with friends, or even volunteer my bottom loads of time to help the community. I was a dependent hermit, who hated being alone. 

And sadly, I was completely and one hundred percent okay with that....or so I thought.

I really take those sayings about "In order to have the high moments, you have to experience the low moments in life as well" to heart. There's a bunch of them out there, and they all basically mean the same thing. In order to experience being happy, you also need experience being sad.

And that's exactly what happened to me in 2015. I was "sad" for most of the year, beginning in April when one of our beloved kitties fell deathly ill. My life during those moments was completely shattered. My heart was aching, and I felt so weak and unable to fully process what was happening to myself during those troubling  moments. 

I almost gave up. 

My husband and I almost made the decision to put our very sick kitty to sleep, so she wouldn't suffer anymore. So we wouldn't suffer emotionally and financially anymore.

I almost gave up...hope.

I'd call this ultimately incredible low moment in my life a blessing in disguise. It made me so much more aware of life, and how ignorant and honestly STUPID I was to the outside world. Because I had been living this perfect little happy pappy fairy tale of a housewife for so long. Realistically speaking, I wasn't even slightly ready for something life changing as what happened to our kitty.

It was almost like a snowball effect, or when it rains it pours type of deal. One not-so-great thing happened again and again. A health scare, a diagnosis, another financial crisis, another health scare, etc. This year brought the most challenges into our lives than any other year had so far.

I almost gave up.

There were times I just wanted to run away, back to my parent's home and hide in the closet for all eternity. Not having a desire to deal with the world, not existing in the reality of things. Just breathing.

I almost gave up...my ambition.

I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did last year, never felt as much hurt and pain. To be so incredibly LOW, and have absolutely ZERO desire at all to even get out of bed. 

I almost gave up..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

BUT...I didn't.

In a way I believe it's a GOOD thing for not-so-great things to happen to people, in a certain period in their lives. I think some people really NEED a good kick in the pants. To show them just how wonderful and amazing life can be when you take away from the bad and turn those terrible things into something WONDERFUL and SPECIAL. 

"When life throws you lemons, make lemonade."

Living with a special needs cat has taught me the ultimate responsibility. Understanding Jubalee (the kitty's) diabetic needs has helped me understand what it's like to care for someone who is very dependent on YOU, and you only. Before Jubalee's diagnosis, I would sleep in until noon, feed the cats whenever, and watch YouTube for hours on end. Now I have a pretty strict schedule, with feedings, testing her glucose, and giving insulin. It's one of the reasons I live for every day. Take it as you will, one person's mountains are another person's grain of sand.

After understanding the reasons WHY I was so sad, and getting diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety, it's helped me to become a more AWARE and CAUTIOUS person. To think before I act, and to always always ALWAYS have a plan B and plan C. Things HAPPEN.

I am not the same person I was 3 years ago, or even 2 years ago. Heck I don't even think I'm the same person I was one year ago. I'm not saying that crap "New year, new me!" stuff. I'm thankful for a new year, a fresh start, but I'm also thankful for what happened the prior year.

It's made me the person I am today, and I feel I've become a more forgiving, and ultimately more realistic way of living type of person....a realist. 

I am so thankful I am not in denial anymore. Living in denial is probably one of the most scariest, unhealthy ways to think and live ever.

Do yourself a favor and look around you...live realistically, not in a made up fantasy.

Dear 2015...for me, you SUCKED!

Ah this year is almost done and over with...thank GOODNESS.

I don't think I have ever been more excited about ending such a terrible year than this year, 2015.

I know, I know. For many it was the best year so far in their lives. Engagements, weddings, expecting a baby/babies, graduating high school, college, buying a home, getting PCS orders, and even losing weight. I am beyond thrilled for each and every one of you all who in the year 2015 accomplished so freaking much. Woo to you!

But not everyone was so blessed this year. Some individuals, like myself basically ended up with (I'll say it without swear words) a completely freaking crappy year. A year that challenged their faith, spirit, and overall life itself. A year full of drama and spitefulness.

This year unlike any other started (well in April) with Jubalee Jujubee getting very very sick and being diagnosed with severely progressed diabetes ketoacidosis. She was in the emergency animal hospital for 4 days, where she was hooked up to numerous IV's, multiple tests preformed every 3-4 hours, a handful of ultrasounds, and her overall body completely turned inside out. This crisis really put a damper onto our financial situation, taking out a large chunk of our savings so we could save our kitty. Because she is more than "just a cat." Luckily Jubalee pulled through and to this day, even though she is still living with diabetes, she is happy and healthy. This condition isn't the kindest on a single income wallet...it cost our family around $200-$300/month to care for Jubalee alone. From low carb wet feed to testing strips, she is the most expensive family member!

Another thing happened this year, shortly after the diagnosis of Jubalee.
I have always dealt with a mild amount of anxiety, but I knew I was way above my head when it was getting harder and harder to control my emotions away from the home. Breaking down in a grocery store isn't the best thing to happen, especially when there are eyes everywhere and military wives are the biggest bunch of gossipers. Let's just say I realized it was time to seek help.
I denied it at first. That I was just an ultra sensitive, really immature hermit, who had nothing better to do with her time than curl up on the couch eating packets upon packets of ramen with her phone glued to her hand scrolling and trolling on Facebook. But it was a problem. A HUGE problem. Living the way I was isn't normal. It's NOT okay to let the world pass you by while you're vegging ignoring the bigger picture.
After I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety (and I am NOT sorry I'm letting people be aware of this, NOR am I proud for telling this to the world...I am NOT embarrassed because I believe these issues shouldn't be masked from people who think they're ALONE living this way!!!!!!!)
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Anyways, so after being diagnosed, I began to see the world in a different light. NO I am NOT saying I found religion, or started a health regimen, began an entrepreneur journey, or became an activist for all things happy. I just realized that I have issues, and I need to fix them.

I won't say this journey has been "easy." There have been lots and lots and lots of times where I've wanted to give up, and go back into my old habits. Which honestly I have, since the initial "ah ha" moment. It's really about the progression YOU make, not how someone else wants you to make, say in a week's time.

I still have a LONG way to go. And there are still days I feel like absolutely shit (whoops, forgot I wasn't going to swear...eh, whatever) and don't want to do anything. BUT, I remembered what Oprah said one time (years ago) that if (you) can accomplish ONE thing per day, consider that a win, no matter how small, YOU did something that will HELP you.
So that's what I've taken to heart. Because let's face it, (me) accomplishing anything "big" at this time in my life is quite an exaggeration, lol. I am in no way physically or mentally ready to accomplish anything more than cleaning out the cat litter box, making sure Jubalee is administered her insulin twice a day, crossing everything off the grocery shopping list when I go grocery shopping, and showering more than once a week. (PLEASE reconsider comparing me to (your) normal day-to-day regular life happenings...we are ALL running at different speeds in life!)


Another realization I had this year was having absolutely no desire to have my own human children, but I'm not going to go too much into that simply because that topic has been beaten like a dead horse both on my blog and on my personal Facebook. I feel that my depression and anxiety have a pretty large roll in what my feelings are towards children, and I think once I began feeling more like myself is when I can determine whether or not I actually want to be a mother to human kids one day. For now it's in no way happening, because I am not physically or mentally capable of conceiving a child in my current state.

Yet again we were away from our loved ones this holiday season, which I absolutely DESPISE. A great sadness comes over me when I see families all happy pappy and laughing and such spending this time of the year all together. I really wanted to see my family this year for Christmas, but circumstances kept us from doing that thanks to the icy mountainous roads, a 2WD vehicle, and expensive air fare for our cats.

I'm just ready to be done and over with this separation from my family. I hate it. It's great for some people, who aren't super tight with their families, and can go years without seeing or hearing from them. I'm just not that kind of person. I cannot wait for the day when I can just call up my family and ask, "Hey wanna have dinner together tonight?" Or them ask me, "Hey on your way home could you stop off at the feed store and pick up some ointment?"

This next year can't pass soon enough.

Just like the title of this blog post, yeah, for ME 2015 really, really sucked, and I am SO happy it's almost over. I know some people don't believe in the whole "new year new me!" thing, but to each their own. There's a reason why an old year ends and a new year begins.

I'm just hoping and praying this new year, 2016 will be bucket loads of awesome better than this year.

2016, you better be good to me, because I'm going to try my hardest to be good to you!!!

I'm Not Me, and Other Things...

Something has happened.
 I'm not me.

I'm empty.

I was never this way. I used to be a happy, joyful, funny, quirky, interesting, loving, caring, optimistic, energetic, likable, big-hearted, multi-tasking, singing in the shower kind of person.

And now I'm basically all the opposites of those.

As I sat on the couch for the umpteenth thousandth time in our new living room overseas, it became clear to me that I had been repeating this exact same routine for the last 6 months. Wake up at noon, watch YouTube or a movie, eat junk food, and wait for my husband to return home from work. It was those moments, and continuous other ones, when I began to realize I was losing myself. In a foreign country, away from my close family and friends...and feeling so so lonely.



I began to worry. I began to feel hopeless.

I have always had some anxiety. But most of it I could deal with and hide fairly well.

Until now.

I couldn't control my feelings. I couldn't hide what I was feeling, and cried.

I became a very sad and unhappy person.



I missed my home, and being with familiar faces and spaces.

I can't believe it happened. How did I allow myself to become this way?
Here's the timeline I have jotted down for what I believe were the ingredients to my behavior:

2012:

• Getting married (happy)
• Flying overseas to a completely new, yet strange and different foreign country (both exciting and sad...I became heavily homesick)
• Learning to be an adult and do things for myself (difficult and overwhelming...sad)
• Being alone while my husband was at work (sad)
• Trying to get a job with no luck (sad/anger)
• Learning that having a home business in Italy was illegal (sad/anger)
• Our house flooding (sad)
• Spouse drama (sad/anger)
• Getting a new kitten (happy)
• Not being with family for Christmas, first time ever (ultimately sad)
  
  

2013:

• A start to the new year (happy)
• A medical scare (scary and sad)
• The feelings of not wanting children (sad)
• The end of a friendship (sad/anger)
• Seeing my family for the first time in over a year (happy)
• Spending time with family and friends (happy)
• Friend drama (anger)
• My husband coming back to see family and friends (happy)
• My husband leaving to go back overseas (sad)
• Myself never wanting to go back overseas (sad)
• Buying a newer car (happy)
• The loss of a pet (ultimately sad)
• Another round of holidays spent without family

2014:

• The thought this would be the last year overseas (happy)
• A medical scare (sad)
• The feelings of not wanting children (sad)
• Friendship drama (sad/anger)
• A car dilemma (frustration)
• A medical scare (sad)
• Leaving overseas (happy/overwhelmed feelings)
• Seeing family I hadn't seen in over a year (happy)
• Celebrating the holidays with family (happy)
• A car accident (sad)

2015:

• New job (happy)
• Going back to school (happy)
• Pet crisis (sad/frustrated/ultimately life changing)
• Quitting job and school to take care of pet (sad)
• Learning to accommodate special need pet's medical care (sad/angry/frustrated)
• Managing special need pet's medical needs (challenging/determined)
• Pet goes into remission (happy/overjoyed)
• Pet goes out of remission (depleted/failed/loss of all desire

Obviously I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. People change. People grow. But people shouldn't grow bitter or backwards. And I believe that's exactly what happened to me. I became ultimately sad.

I really blamed all my problems on being overseas. So many doors were shut while living over there, I honestly thought most if not all those problems would disappear and vanish once I returned back to the states. And for the most part, most of my problems did. But history has a funny way of repeating things. And life has a interesting way of making you realize just how strong a person is. Life sure does love throwing curve balls at people who need a good kick in the pants, and I guess me being miserable overseas just wasn't enough, now dealing with a special needs pet would make life just grand.

I am still not me.

What I absolutely despise people telling to me is that I'm making all this up. That I actually want to feel this way. That I'm lazy.





I cannot stand when people say this to me.

I have lost numerous relationships because of my sad and bitter feelings. And I regret so much about what I posted on Facebook the pas 3 years in terms of complaining, anger, "feel sorry for me" posts, and pointing individuals out who I'm jealous over. That isn't right. That's rude. And hurtful. And I don't blame people for deleting me from their lives. Because I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was that cruel either.
So now here I am. I feel lost most days. My anxiety has become a norm in my day-to-day life, and I don't think I've had an anxiety-free day for a really long time. I've always been uptight, but never this uptight.

So over the summer, I decided enough was enough. It was obvious how I was attempting to relieve my anxiety and stress at home was obviously not working what so ever. 

I am not exactly comfortable with sharing anymore of my story about my sad feelings or anxiety just yet. I still have a long way to go, and I'm really hoping I can get over this hiccup in my road of life.

Until the, here are some other meme's I came across and thought they were comical yet so true.

Don't Worry be...Grumpy?I I

I was supposed to get this blog post up on Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Way to go, Kadie.

I'm grumpy. I've been feeling this way for a while now. Not all the time, but there's been some recent happenings which have triggered these not-so-happy feelings.

I don't like calling myself mad. Because I'm not. I'm not mad, nor angry.
I'm frustrated, flustered, frazzled...I'm hurt.

Ever since I can remember, I've been an uber sensitive person. Like hardcore to the max, anyone were to say anything to me, or even look at me the wrong way, the wrong time...I'd get hurt. As I grew older I started growing an actual backbone and wasn't "so" sensitive about many things. But regardless, some things still and always will get to me.

There was one time in my life where I couldn't imagine doing anything else. But times have changed, and realistically speaking, things have changed too much.

Too much to the point bridges have been burned, and yesteryear just isn't the wonderful happy memories I remember them being.

It's sad. It's unfortunate. It's confusing.

So here I am, not doing a whole lot with my life. Staying stagnate. I wouldn't consider myself living in the present, more living up in the air. Not really knowing what's going to happen tomorrow, but aware of what happened yesterday.

I don't feel I should go any further into this blog post. It is what it is. I'm grumpy. I'm hurt.

**For those who can't wait for a scandalous rumor about my husband and I, this has NOTHING to do with the two of us. We are still very happily married. This topic is something dealing with me completely, nothing to do with my husband or the two of us together. So please, if you're looking for a juicy gossip topic, Hollywood has plenty of those.

Living with a Special Needs Fur Child and Dealing with Anxiety

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this post. Do I start from the beginning when I brought Jubalee Jujubee, our rescue kitty home almost 7 years ago? Or do I start from the day Juba was diagnosed with Feline Diabetes Mellitus about a month and a half ago.

Well since the title of this blog post inquires, "Special needs" I'll start there.

Juba was officially diagnosed with Feline Diabetes Mellitus, or Feline DM on Easter of this year, 2015. It came as honestly, a complete and utter shock. I couldn't and wouldn't eat for days. Juba remained in the emergency hospital for 4 days, and after many intensive treatments, doses of insulin, and a $4,000 vet bill later, was deemed well enough to go home-with requirements.

Insulin was the first and most important of those requirements. She needed a shot once every 12 hours. Along with the shot Juba also needed close and careful monitoring. By that I mean making sure she didn't crash and ultimately go into what's called "Hypoglycemia" or extreme low blood sugar. So in order to combat the risk of that happening my husband and I decided to purchase a glucometer and "home test" Jubalee ourselves instead of running to the vet's every day and spending more $$.

Realistically speaking that first week after Juba's diagnosis was not the best for me. I was emotionally, physically, and mentally spent. My body went into this "survival mode" and my anxiety was a 24/7 constant fight. I felt like I was a zombie most days, tossing and turning while I "tried" to sleep, making sure Juba's feeding tube stayed in for the first few days of in home care, while testing her blood glucose for fear her numbers would either climb or drop significantly. I have compared all of this similar to caring for a brand new infant, and fortunately, many of my momma friends have told me they believe taking care of a diabetic kitty would be much more challenging. That does make me feel better, and makes me believe I'm not just imagining all this hard work as "easy peasy" to a few folks.

When I get really anxious, or scared, I just quit eating. During all this craziness with Juba I stopped eating for going on 3 days. I got severe headaches, moderate dizziness, and was irritable. I snapped at my husband and was impatient with my parents while they were visiting us during this madness (a planned vacation that was scheduled weeks before.) My husband and parents really had to force me to eat something, and even taking a bite was challenging. Eventually as Juba started to improve, slowly but surely, my anxiety lessened and I started nibbling on food again.

What also spiked my anxiety was every morning, after Juba's morning blood glucose test (to determine her numbers and to find out if she was high enough for insulin) was actually giving her insulin to her. My husband was such a big help in holding her, and just being there for moral support. When he had to return to work, and I had to pull my big girl pants and administer Juba's insulin to her myself, that is where my anxiety really kicked in. I want to make something clear however. I did NOT have fear poking Juba with a needle. I did NOT have fear accidentally poking myself with a needle. I DID however fear giving her what is called a "fur shot" and the insulin not actually going into her body under her skin. Because during the time she was on insulin, it was crucial for her to receive that medication in order for her body to work right and not potentially shut down.

It's been a little over 2 weeks since Juba has been off insulin. And while recently we had a scare when her numbers rose, after seeing the Vet, and getting better numbers today, I am beginning to feel like myself again since the past 3 days have taken a toll on my soul. I don't like saying we have a "Special Needs Pet" in a negative way. Yes, Juba will always be a special needs pet, but the only special needs requirement of her is she can only consume a low carb high protein diet. So when you think about it, Juba needs to consume a "healthy" diet in order for her to keep her diabetes under control and in remission.

I've had individuals ask me what it's like living with a diabetic cat. And honestly, it's really hard for me to answer that. I never stop worrying. There is always a trigger in the back of my head that goes off every day asking myself, "Is Juba eating? Is she using the litter box? How much water has she drank? What was her last BG number? Where is she? Why is she hiding? What time is it?" And so many more questions that run through my head. Yes I worry too much, but is it better to worry too much than to not worry enough?

Someone, a parent, once told me some advice.
"You will never stop thinking, never stop worrying. No matter how wonderful and happy your life is at that very moment. There will always be hard times regardless of how fulfilling and self worthy you create your life to be. But that is what life is about. It's not supposed to be sunshine and rainbows 24.7. There are supposed to be dark moments, to make us treasure the happy ones."

What I've Learned in THREE Years of Marriage

Wow. I cannot believe my husband and I have been marital bliss for three whole years as of Tuesday. Crazy to think where the time has gone, and to look back on so many things that have took place in our lives.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane...

Saturday, April 14, 2012

We were "officially" hitched! I use the word officially with quotations because we were actually married legally the prior September. We don't "officially" count that as our wedding date, but it is technically our legal marriage date.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Not even a week of being newly married and we were off to live in a foreign country. You could say that was our "honeymoon" lol.
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Quite a few folks told us that your first year of marriage is your hardest, and after that it's all down hill from there. Hmmm, that's actually ironic because the marriage aspect honestly wasn't all that difficult, it was the living so far from our families that really took its toll on both of us.

In the first year of marriage, I learned how to cook, clean, do laundry, hand wash dishes (thanks to no dishwasher,) learn to be very independent (my husband would work for sometimes 12 hours a day,) learn how to drive a manual vehicle, and...oh, learn how to cope with not seeing my family for an entire year. So in all honesty, I'd have to give myself huge kudos for a brand new married wife, who set out with her brand new husband to live in a foreign country, and not have "mommy and daddy" nearby for help.

In the second year of marriage, STILL living overseas, it was definitely easier coping without having our parental figures just an easy drive away. I gradually got used to being alone for hours on end, adding up the time change as to when I could call my mom, figuring out it took exactly 8 hours to complete (1) load of laundry from start to finish (thanks European washer and dryer!) and detect when a massive thunderstorm was bound to happen. My skin hardened, I became less fragile, and honestly much more bitter as I waited my time out in Europe. I hated cooking, cleaning, and above all, I missed my family.
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But this post wasn't to dwell on the past. Sure, maybe our first few years of marriage weren't sunshine and rainbows. We had each other. We confided into each other. If we ever had quarrels, we worked them out together. Because "mommy and daddy" weren't just a phone call away all the time. And obviously they weren't a car ride away. So staying mad at one another just wasn't an option. We were basically all each other had, plus our kitties.

I think one of the biggest things I learned about myself while "living abroad" was I really, really don't like being alone for long periods of time. And by long periods I mean days. I can go for a day or so being by myself, without any human interaction. But after that and I start going crazy.

So what exactly have I learned in three years of marriage?

• A happy wife=a happy life, lol
• A clean kitchen=a happy husband
• At least making something somewhat edible=a happy husband
• Learning to deal with your anxiety and not showing you're stressed, makes your partner less stressed
• Having a bedtime routine
• Taking turns feeding/caring for your pets
• Apologizing for even the smallest things that may have hurt your partner's feelings
• Having dinner together, sitting together=a more enjoyable dinner time
• Putting your clothes in the laundry hamper and not beside it
• Sending texts throughout the day asking how each other is doing
• Calling when at the grocery store to ask if they need anything else

These are what's came to mind right now. And yes, the more years I've been married, the easier it's gotten. Especially since my husband and I have gone through quite the large amount of ups and downs...not particularly between us, but the things around us. 

I feel since our lives have changed dramatically over the past week, with our kitty's diagnosis, and really taking time out for her, it has brought us closer as a couple. 

I've heard people say when certain situations go wrong, it either tears a couple apart, or brings them closer together. 

When Do You Know You're Ready?

Yesterday was April Fool's and I didn't prank one person. Dang it!

I've been thinking a ton lately about what to call my next blog post. In the near future I'm also going to blog about being married for three years, and why married life has changed me for the better. But that's for another soon to come blog post.

This one merely asks the question, "When do you know you're ready?"

Ready for what you ask? Well for anything. In my case specifically, when do you know you're ready to start a family. A human family because some people don't consider a family with just fur children a real family. I do, but let's not start a heated debate about that today.

According to the Duggar Family from the hit TV family reality show, "19 Kids and Counting" you know when you're ready to have a child when you join in matrimony with your significant other. After the holy marital union, a baby is just the cherry on top of your happiness and sharing your lives together for eternity.

Come on now.

There is this thing though. Or maybe it's things. I've had some rather concerned folks question me, asking if the reason my husband and I haven't jumped on the baby train yet is because we're not completely sure about each other. Let me tell you something. I knew my husband was THE ONE I was going to marry just ONE MONTH after dating him. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And to this day, nearly FIVE years after being together with him I still feel that way, butterflies and all.

I think having kids is like learning to ride a bike. So many women including my own mother have told me, "It will just click one day." But when? When does it click? When I'm financially stable? When I earn my degree? When my husband and I purchase our first home? When we pay off our car? When I can no longer freak out about under cooking meat? When I can finally play "Destination" by Nickel Creek without having to look up the lyrics? When. I want to know.

I think that's what I'm so confused about. When people tell me, "You'll know when you know." But what if I don't? What if I over think this just like how I'm over thinking this blog post?
What if I keep asking myself if I'm ready, if my husband and I are ready to take on this huge ginormous step in our lives and I take a step back to look at the entire picture and freak out. And say I'm still not ready.

I struggle, no I sputter and drown thinking about if and when I'll be ready, if I ever will be ready. I'm scared I'll never be ready. I'm scared I won't ever be ready and then it will be too late.

So when did YOU know you were ready for a human child? Did it just click one day? Did it click when you saw a little pink plus sign on a test? Or see a picture of the child you could possibly adopt and make yours forever?

How did you know?