I'm Not Me, and Other Things...

Something has happened.
 I'm not me.

I'm empty.

I was never this way. I used to be a happy, joyful, funny, quirky, interesting, loving, caring, optimistic, energetic, likable, big-hearted, multi-tasking, singing in the shower kind of person.

And now I'm basically all the opposites of those.

As I sat on the couch for the umpteenth thousandth time in our new living room overseas, it became clear to me that I had been repeating this exact same routine for the last 6 months. Wake up at noon, watch YouTube or a movie, eat junk food, and wait for my husband to return home from work. It was those moments, and continuous other ones, when I began to realize I was losing myself. In a foreign country, away from my close family and friends...and feeling so so lonely.



I began to worry. I began to feel hopeless.

I have always had some anxiety. But most of it I could deal with and hide fairly well.

Until now.

I couldn't control my feelings. I couldn't hide what I was feeling, and cried.

I became a very sad and unhappy person.



I missed my home, and being with familiar faces and spaces.

I can't believe it happened. How did I allow myself to become this way?
Here's the timeline I have jotted down for what I believe were the ingredients to my behavior:

2012:

• Getting married (happy)
• Flying overseas to a completely new, yet strange and different foreign country (both exciting and sad...I became heavily homesick)
• Learning to be an adult and do things for myself (difficult and overwhelming...sad)
• Being alone while my husband was at work (sad)
• Trying to get a job with no luck (sad/anger)
• Learning that having a home business in Italy was illegal (sad/anger)
• Our house flooding (sad)
• Spouse drama (sad/anger)
• Getting a new kitten (happy)
• Not being with family for Christmas, first time ever (ultimately sad)
  
  

2013:

• A start to the new year (happy)
• A medical scare (scary and sad)
• The feelings of not wanting children (sad)
• The end of a friendship (sad/anger)
• Seeing my family for the first time in over a year (happy)
• Spending time with family and friends (happy)
• Friend drama (anger)
• My husband coming back to see family and friends (happy)
• My husband leaving to go back overseas (sad)
• Myself never wanting to go back overseas (sad)
• Buying a newer car (happy)
• The loss of a pet (ultimately sad)
• Another round of holidays spent without family

2014:

• The thought this would be the last year overseas (happy)
• A medical scare (sad)
• The feelings of not wanting children (sad)
• Friendship drama (sad/anger)
• A car dilemma (frustration)
• A medical scare (sad)
• Leaving overseas (happy/overwhelmed feelings)
• Seeing family I hadn't seen in over a year (happy)
• Celebrating the holidays with family (happy)
• A car accident (sad)

2015:

• New job (happy)
• Going back to school (happy)
• Pet crisis (sad/frustrated/ultimately life changing)
• Quitting job and school to take care of pet (sad)
• Learning to accommodate special need pet's medical care (sad/angry/frustrated)
• Managing special need pet's medical needs (challenging/determined)
• Pet goes into remission (happy/overjoyed)
• Pet goes out of remission (depleted/failed/loss of all desire

Obviously I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. People change. People grow. But people shouldn't grow bitter or backwards. And I believe that's exactly what happened to me. I became ultimately sad.

I really blamed all my problems on being overseas. So many doors were shut while living over there, I honestly thought most if not all those problems would disappear and vanish once I returned back to the states. And for the most part, most of my problems did. But history has a funny way of repeating things. And life has a interesting way of making you realize just how strong a person is. Life sure does love throwing curve balls at people who need a good kick in the pants, and I guess me being miserable overseas just wasn't enough, now dealing with a special needs pet would make life just grand.

I am still not me.

What I absolutely despise people telling to me is that I'm making all this up. That I actually want to feel this way. That I'm lazy.





I cannot stand when people say this to me.

I have lost numerous relationships because of my sad and bitter feelings. And I regret so much about what I posted on Facebook the pas 3 years in terms of complaining, anger, "feel sorry for me" posts, and pointing individuals out who I'm jealous over. That isn't right. That's rude. And hurtful. And I don't blame people for deleting me from their lives. Because I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was that cruel either.
So now here I am. I feel lost most days. My anxiety has become a norm in my day-to-day life, and I don't think I've had an anxiety-free day for a really long time. I've always been uptight, but never this uptight.

So over the summer, I decided enough was enough. It was obvious how I was attempting to relieve my anxiety and stress at home was obviously not working what so ever. 

I am not exactly comfortable with sharing anymore of my story about my sad feelings or anxiety just yet. I still have a long way to go, and I'm really hoping I can get over this hiccup in my road of life.

Until the, here are some other meme's I came across and thought they were comical yet so true.

Don't Worry be...Grumpy?I I

I was supposed to get this blog post up on Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Way to go, Kadie.

I'm grumpy. I've been feeling this way for a while now. Not all the time, but there's been some recent happenings which have triggered these not-so-happy feelings.

I don't like calling myself mad. Because I'm not. I'm not mad, nor angry.
I'm frustrated, flustered, frazzled...I'm hurt.

Ever since I can remember, I've been an uber sensitive person. Like hardcore to the max, anyone were to say anything to me, or even look at me the wrong way, the wrong time...I'd get hurt. As I grew older I started growing an actual backbone and wasn't "so" sensitive about many things. But regardless, some things still and always will get to me.

There was one time in my life where I couldn't imagine doing anything else. But times have changed, and realistically speaking, things have changed too much.

Too much to the point bridges have been burned, and yesteryear just isn't the wonderful happy memories I remember them being.

It's sad. It's unfortunate. It's confusing.

So here I am, not doing a whole lot with my life. Staying stagnate. I wouldn't consider myself living in the present, more living up in the air. Not really knowing what's going to happen tomorrow, but aware of what happened yesterday.

I don't feel I should go any further into this blog post. It is what it is. I'm grumpy. I'm hurt.

**For those who can't wait for a scandalous rumor about my husband and I, this has NOTHING to do with the two of us. We are still very happily married. This topic is something dealing with me completely, nothing to do with my husband or the two of us together. So please, if you're looking for a juicy gossip topic, Hollywood has plenty of those.

Living with a Special Needs Fur Child and Dealing with Anxiety

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this post. Do I start from the beginning when I brought Jubalee Jujubee, our rescue kitty home almost 7 years ago? Or do I start from the day Juba was diagnosed with Feline Diabetes Mellitus about a month and a half ago.

Well since the title of this blog post inquires, "Special needs" I'll start there.

Juba was officially diagnosed with Feline Diabetes Mellitus, or Feline DM on Easter of this year, 2015. It came as honestly, a complete and utter shock. I couldn't and wouldn't eat for days. Juba remained in the emergency hospital for 4 days, and after many intensive treatments, doses of insulin, and a $4,000 vet bill later, was deemed well enough to go home-with requirements.

Insulin was the first and most important of those requirements. She needed a shot once every 12 hours. Along with the shot Juba also needed close and careful monitoring. By that I mean making sure she didn't crash and ultimately go into what's called "Hypoglycemia" or extreme low blood sugar. So in order to combat the risk of that happening my husband and I decided to purchase a glucometer and "home test" Jubalee ourselves instead of running to the vet's every day and spending more $$.

Realistically speaking that first week after Juba's diagnosis was not the best for me. I was emotionally, physically, and mentally spent. My body went into this "survival mode" and my anxiety was a 24/7 constant fight. I felt like I was a zombie most days, tossing and turning while I "tried" to sleep, making sure Juba's feeding tube stayed in for the first few days of in home care, while testing her blood glucose for fear her numbers would either climb or drop significantly. I have compared all of this similar to caring for a brand new infant, and fortunately, many of my momma friends have told me they believe taking care of a diabetic kitty would be much more challenging. That does make me feel better, and makes me believe I'm not just imagining all this hard work as "easy peasy" to a few folks.

When I get really anxious, or scared, I just quit eating. During all this craziness with Juba I stopped eating for going on 3 days. I got severe headaches, moderate dizziness, and was irritable. I snapped at my husband and was impatient with my parents while they were visiting us during this madness (a planned vacation that was scheduled weeks before.) My husband and parents really had to force me to eat something, and even taking a bite was challenging. Eventually as Juba started to improve, slowly but surely, my anxiety lessened and I started nibbling on food again.

What also spiked my anxiety was every morning, after Juba's morning blood glucose test (to determine her numbers and to find out if she was high enough for insulin) was actually giving her insulin to her. My husband was such a big help in holding her, and just being there for moral support. When he had to return to work, and I had to pull my big girl pants and administer Juba's insulin to her myself, that is where my anxiety really kicked in. I want to make something clear however. I did NOT have fear poking Juba with a needle. I did NOT have fear accidentally poking myself with a needle. I DID however fear giving her what is called a "fur shot" and the insulin not actually going into her body under her skin. Because during the time she was on insulin, it was crucial for her to receive that medication in order for her body to work right and not potentially shut down.

It's been a little over 2 weeks since Juba has been off insulin. And while recently we had a scare when her numbers rose, after seeing the Vet, and getting better numbers today, I am beginning to feel like myself again since the past 3 days have taken a toll on my soul. I don't like saying we have a "Special Needs Pet" in a negative way. Yes, Juba will always be a special needs pet, but the only special needs requirement of her is she can only consume a low carb high protein diet. So when you think about it, Juba needs to consume a "healthy" diet in order for her to keep her diabetes under control and in remission.

I've had individuals ask me what it's like living with a diabetic cat. And honestly, it's really hard for me to answer that. I never stop worrying. There is always a trigger in the back of my head that goes off every day asking myself, "Is Juba eating? Is she using the litter box? How much water has she drank? What was her last BG number? Where is she? Why is she hiding? What time is it?" And so many more questions that run through my head. Yes I worry too much, but is it better to worry too much than to not worry enough?

Someone, a parent, once told me some advice.
"You will never stop thinking, never stop worrying. No matter how wonderful and happy your life is at that very moment. There will always be hard times regardless of how fulfilling and self worthy you create your life to be. But that is what life is about. It's not supposed to be sunshine and rainbows 24.7. There are supposed to be dark moments, to make us treasure the happy ones."

What I've Learned in THREE Years of Marriage

Wow. I cannot believe my husband and I have been marital bliss for three whole years as of Tuesday. Crazy to think where the time has gone, and to look back on so many things that have took place in our lives.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane...

Saturday, April 14, 2012

We were "officially" hitched! I use the word officially with quotations because we were actually married legally the prior September. We don't "officially" count that as our wedding date, but it is technically our legal marriage date.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Not even a week of being newly married and we were off to live in a foreign country. You could say that was our "honeymoon" lol.
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Quite a few folks told us that your first year of marriage is your hardest, and after that it's all down hill from there. Hmmm, that's actually ironic because the marriage aspect honestly wasn't all that difficult, it was the living so far from our families that really took its toll on both of us.

In the first year of marriage, I learned how to cook, clean, do laundry, hand wash dishes (thanks to no dishwasher,) learn to be very independent (my husband would work for sometimes 12 hours a day,) learn how to drive a manual vehicle, and...oh, learn how to cope with not seeing my family for an entire year. So in all honesty, I'd have to give myself huge kudos for a brand new married wife, who set out with her brand new husband to live in a foreign country, and not have "mommy and daddy" nearby for help.

In the second year of marriage, STILL living overseas, it was definitely easier coping without having our parental figures just an easy drive away. I gradually got used to being alone for hours on end, adding up the time change as to when I could call my mom, figuring out it took exactly 8 hours to complete (1) load of laundry from start to finish (thanks European washer and dryer!) and detect when a massive thunderstorm was bound to happen. My skin hardened, I became less fragile, and honestly much more bitter as I waited my time out in Europe. I hated cooking, cleaning, and above all, I missed my family.
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But this post wasn't to dwell on the past. Sure, maybe our first few years of marriage weren't sunshine and rainbows. We had each other. We confided into each other. If we ever had quarrels, we worked them out together. Because "mommy and daddy" weren't just a phone call away all the time. And obviously they weren't a car ride away. So staying mad at one another just wasn't an option. We were basically all each other had, plus our kitties.

I think one of the biggest things I learned about myself while "living abroad" was I really, really don't like being alone for long periods of time. And by long periods I mean days. I can go for a day or so being by myself, without any human interaction. But after that and I start going crazy.

So what exactly have I learned in three years of marriage?

• A happy wife=a happy life, lol
• A clean kitchen=a happy husband
• At least making something somewhat edible=a happy husband
• Learning to deal with your anxiety and not showing you're stressed, makes your partner less stressed
• Having a bedtime routine
• Taking turns feeding/caring for your pets
• Apologizing for even the smallest things that may have hurt your partner's feelings
• Having dinner together, sitting together=a more enjoyable dinner time
• Putting your clothes in the laundry hamper and not beside it
• Sending texts throughout the day asking how each other is doing
• Calling when at the grocery store to ask if they need anything else

These are what's came to mind right now. And yes, the more years I've been married, the easier it's gotten. Especially since my husband and I have gone through quite the large amount of ups and downs...not particularly between us, but the things around us. 

I feel since our lives have changed dramatically over the past week, with our kitty's diagnosis, and really taking time out for her, it has brought us closer as a couple. 

I've heard people say when certain situations go wrong, it either tears a couple apart, or brings them closer together. 

When Do You Know You're Ready?

Yesterday was April Fool's and I didn't prank one person. Dang it!

I've been thinking a ton lately about what to call my next blog post. In the near future I'm also going to blog about being married for three years, and why married life has changed me for the better. But that's for another soon to come blog post.

This one merely asks the question, "When do you know you're ready?"

Ready for what you ask? Well for anything. In my case specifically, when do you know you're ready to start a family. A human family because some people don't consider a family with just fur children a real family. I do, but let's not start a heated debate about that today.

According to the Duggar Family from the hit TV family reality show, "19 Kids and Counting" you know when you're ready to have a child when you join in matrimony with your significant other. After the holy marital union, a baby is just the cherry on top of your happiness and sharing your lives together for eternity.

Come on now.

There is this thing though. Or maybe it's things. I've had some rather concerned folks question me, asking if the reason my husband and I haven't jumped on the baby train yet is because we're not completely sure about each other. Let me tell you something. I knew my husband was THE ONE I was going to marry just ONE MONTH after dating him. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And to this day, nearly FIVE years after being together with him I still feel that way, butterflies and all.

I think having kids is like learning to ride a bike. So many women including my own mother have told me, "It will just click one day." But when? When does it click? When I'm financially stable? When I earn my degree? When my husband and I purchase our first home? When we pay off our car? When I can no longer freak out about under cooking meat? When I can finally play "Destination" by Nickel Creek without having to look up the lyrics? When. I want to know.

I think that's what I'm so confused about. When people tell me, "You'll know when you know." But what if I don't? What if I over think this just like how I'm over thinking this blog post?
What if I keep asking myself if I'm ready, if my husband and I are ready to take on this huge ginormous step in our lives and I take a step back to look at the entire picture and freak out. And say I'm still not ready.

I struggle, no I sputter and drown thinking about if and when I'll be ready, if I ever will be ready. I'm scared I'll never be ready. I'm scared I won't ever be ready and then it will be too late.

So when did YOU know you were ready for a human child? Did it just click one day? Did it click when you saw a little pink plus sign on a test? Or see a picture of the child you could possibly adopt and make yours forever?

How did you know?

Wanna Know More About Me?

Today I'm feeling tinkery. Is that even a word? Today I want to tell the world (well the 2 or 3 people out there in internet land...or via my Facebook page I shared this blog post on) more about myself.

No I'm not going to go into detail about personal things about me. Think of this as like the "25 random facts about me" post that was popular about 8 years ago on social media.

So here goes nothing:

Some random facts about me:

1.) I have never been to Canada and I live in the upper left of the US.
2.) I got married to someone I didn't know even a year...and am still married!
3.) I have never broken a bone in my body.
4.) I shiver at the thought of balloons popping.
5.) Cats have become a huge part of my inner secret crazy personal lifestyle.
6.) I have been cooking for my husband and I for a little over 3 years and I still can't cook any type of meat without over-cooking it to make sure it's 100% done.
7.) Green has been my favorite color since I was 4 years old.
8.) I struggle with mild anxiety and lack self confidence.
9.) I have dealt with number 8 my entire life.
10.) Spring used to be my absolute unfavorite season. Now it's my absolute favorite.
11.) I still don't understand the point of Groundhog's Day.
12.) My left hand finger nails grow faster than my right hand finger nails.
13.) I lived in Italy for almost 3 years and absolutely disliked it.
14.) I still don't want to ever go back to Italy ever again in my life.
15.) Not even if it was a paid vacation.
16.) Goats remind me of dogs with hooves. No joke.
17.) I have always, always, always thought out of the box with anything I set my mind to. I like to be different and tweaking normal things into something that is mine. I don't like replicating stuff.
18.) I am a major homebody and would be completely content being at home and never traveling the world.
19.) I can't watch medical tv shows or movies. Grey's Anatomy and House freak me out.
20.) I only wash my hair maybe twice a week.
21.) I can't stand the taste of vodka.
22.) I have a really strong and strange photogenic memory.
23.) I think about the world coming to an end no more than 2 times/day.
24.) When I was 9 I had a fear of swallowing food. I thought I was going to choke.
25.) The smell of cooked peas makes me gag.
26.) When I get really nervous my face turns bright red and I sweat profusely.
27.) I don't take any form of medications other than contraceptives.
28.) And my contraceptives aren't for that reason. I lack a small amount of hormones.
29.) If I see someone crying, then I will start crying.
30.) I can be socially retarded at times.
31.) I self tan 1-2 times a week. I have very, very fair porcelain skin that makes me look sickly. I have to get color!
32.) I really don't like cooking. I would rather do the dishes or laundry lol.
33.) I can make friends somewhat easily but can't keep in touch with most of them.
34.) I'm a self loner but hate being alone in a house for days on end.
35.) Someday I'd like to live in Canada.
36.) Bees are one of my greatest fears. Ironically my dad is a beekeeper.
37.) I let my mind wander off too often.
38.) I often find myself regretting small things that won't matter in 2 weeks.
39.) I can't drink coffee or I will literally bounce off the walls.
40.) I am tone deaf.
41.) My mood can go from one extreme to the other quite quickly.
42.) No I don't have bi polar.
43.) I could never own a dog. I love dogs but they require too much dependency for my lifestyle.
44.) I may never have children.
45.) I can't multitask. My mind doesn't work like that.
46.) I could eat sushi all day err day.
47.) I can read a magazine for hours.
48.) I am NOT a morning person.
49.) I sometimes wish social media never existed. Though I'm completely dependent on it.
50.) I honestly have no idea how my husband puts up with me most days.

And that's it for now. Not too personal, but enough to get a perspective about me. I'm really not all that weird but a bit off from normal civilization!

You Can't Always Get What You Want!

Today is "TBT" aka "Throw Back Thursday." And I didn't post a past picture of something from my childhood, or that happened yesterday to me. Well darn it all to heck.

But another thing came to my mind. Since I'm going to be going back home to visit family and friends in the near future. Something that has sparked a bit of nostalgia and reasoning.

Let's start from the beginning.
I grew up in a pretty close knit family. Even though all my relatives lived about 3 hours or so away from my immediate family (aka parents and sister) I still bonded with most of them...you know, hugs, kisses, storytelling, etc. The normal kind of relationships most children have with their relatives. It wasn't until I was married and then moved overseas that I didn't realize how much I took seeing my family for granted. I became severely depressed, riddled with homesickness and guilt for not doing more things with my family before I went on this maiden voyage.

And this is where my point (and title to this blog) jumps in:

During that time I was living overseas with my military husband, I wasn't able to fly back home for a whole year. Most military families actually don't see their parents, etc. for longer than that. I don't know how some families conquer that separation, but (and I will be saying this many times during this blog post) "That's what some families have to sacrifice for a job, career, etc."

Now we're living stateside. SO. MUCH. BETTER. Even though our families are still a quarter of a day's drive apart, I would so rather take that on than a 2 day plane ride and spending the night at a hotel. I have needs, lol.

But this is where I'm getting at. The Rolling Stones couldn't have said it better. You CAN'T always get what you want. And that includes living close to your family no matter how hard you try to obtain a job within an hour's drive. My husband desperately tried applying for a position which was a little over 2 hours from both our families and unfortunately there were no open positions available during his time of application. We were bummed but we are making this place we're at now work. Because that's what some families have to sacrifice for a job, career, etc.

And it's not like either of us can't stand our families, because we both are extremely close to them. My mom and I talk at least 3 times a week for sometimes 4 hours per call. I am very, very close with my parents and sister and always have been. And even though there is a gap in distance between their homes and ours, our bonds have only gotten stronger.

I think it's GOOD to have a distance between you and your loved ones sometimes. Not like the distance both my husband/I and our families had while we were overseas (that was WAY too much!) but the distance we have now is decent. Of course we would love to live closer. Of course it would be awesome to live right down the street from them but that's what some families have to sacrifice for a job, career, etc. You can't always get what you want!!

So I leave you all (the one or two) who are actually reading this blog post with this:

If you are teetering on the fence between continually living close to family or making your dream career come true...make sure YOU are happy with what you choose. Living by family is great and we would love to have lived closer but my husband and I are happily living a little farther apart and creating potential future goals because my husband received this job offer and took it. It's HEALTHY to have some separation between yourself and family if it means you can flourish and create some roots for YOUR career or job.
Because that's what some families have to sacrifice for a job, career, etc.
You can't always get what you want!