Today is "TBT" aka "Throw Back Thursday." And I didn't post a past picture of something from my childhood, or that happened yesterday to me. Well darn it all to heck.
But another thing came to my mind. Since I'm going to be going back home to visit family and friends in the near future. Something that has sparked a bit of nostalgia and reasoning.
Let's start from the beginning.
I grew up in a pretty close knit family. Even though all my relatives lived about 3 hours or so away from my immediate family (aka parents and sister) I still bonded with most of them...you know, hugs, kisses, storytelling, etc. The normal kind of relationships most children have with their relatives. It wasn't until I was married and then moved overseas that I didn't realize how much I took seeing my family for granted. I became severely depressed, riddled with homesickness and guilt for not doing more things with my family before I went on this maiden voyage.
And this is where my point (and title to this blog) jumps in:
During that time I was living overseas with my military husband, I wasn't able to fly back home for a whole year. Most military families actually don't see their parents, etc. for longer than that. I don't know how some families conquer that separation, but (and I will be saying this many times during this blog post) "That's what some families have to sacrifice for a job, career, etc."
Now we're living stateside. SO. MUCH. BETTER. Even though our families are still a quarter of a day's drive apart, I would so rather take that on than a 2 day plane ride and spending the night at a hotel. I have needs, lol.
But this is where I'm getting at. The Rolling Stones couldn't have said it better. You CAN'T always get what you want. And that includes living close to your family no matter how hard you try to obtain a job within an hour's drive. My husband desperately tried applying for a position which was a little over 2 hours from both our families and unfortunately there were no open positions available during his time of application. We were bummed but we are making this place we're at now work. Because that's what some families have to sacrifice for a job, career, etc.
And it's not like either of us can't stand our families, because we both are extremely close to them. My mom and I talk at least 3 times a week for sometimes 4 hours per call. I am very, very close with my parents and sister and always have been. And even though there is a gap in distance between their homes and ours, our bonds have only gotten stronger.
I think it's GOOD to have a distance between you and your loved ones sometimes. Not like the distance both my husband/I and our families had while we were overseas (that was WAY too much!) but the distance we have now is decent. Of course we would love to live closer. Of course it would be awesome to live right down the street from them but that's what some families have to sacrifice for a job, career, etc. You can't always get what you want!!
So I leave you all (the one or two) who are actually reading this blog post with this:
If you are teetering on the fence between continually living close to family or making your dream career come true...make sure YOU are happy with what you choose. Living by family is great and we would love to have lived closer but my husband and I are happily living a little farther apart and creating potential future goals because my husband received this job offer and took it. It's HEALTHY to have some separation between yourself and family if it means you can flourish and create some roots for YOUR career or job.
Because that's what some families have to sacrifice for a job, career, etc.
You can't always get what you want!
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Too Anxious to Reproduce?
Those who know me personally know I struggle with anxiety and over-thinking basically everything.
Those that don't know think I'm a stuck up b**** who is crazy spoiled because I'm a military wife. Which is completely and 100% false. Yeah I'm a military wife, but the weekly manicures, plethora amount of Coach purses, and bragging about my husband's rank are 3 things which do not have my name written anywhere on them. I'm a "from the sticks," keep-my-nails-short-because-I-play-musical-instruments, bought my ONE Coach mini purse half off, support but don't brag about my husband" kinda gal.
AND I'M COMPLETELY GETTING OFF TOPIC!
So back to the beginning of this post. Anxiety. Anxiety and I basically go hand in hand. I worry pretty much 23 out of the 24 hours of the day...yep, my dreams consist of worrying about whatever too. I can tell when an anxiety attack is coming on. I'll get chills, my heart will start pounding, and my brain will wander off into the worry zone in my cranium which basically fills 8/10ths of my head cavity. I am a glorified Worry Wart.
So you're prolly wondering, "Ok, so what does the word 'reproduce' in the title have anything to do with this post?"
Through the last 3 years of being married I have been a witness to an amazing amount of my friends both close and acquaintances who have taken the leap and started a family of human children. My heart has been filled with joy being there through many of the precious milestones starting with the baby bump all the way to their child's first tooth. When people say this is one of happiest times in their lives, I completely and absolutely believe it. When these parents tell me these are some of the most stressful and sleepless times in their lives, yeah I believe that too.
So what point am I trying to make here? I'm not trying to get a point across actually. My mind is almost split down in half with this whole baby mania thing that is getting harder and harder to avoid as I grow older and the years of being married grow a number every year as well. As I'm constantly and continuously asked (politely and curiously most cases) why I'm at this age already and don't have a bun in the oven, a kid slung on my hip, or one toddling by my side, all I can really do now is chuckle. And not in a nasty spiteful way. It's because I've been asked this more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. After being married for 6 whole months, a few friends gently poked and prodded when the pitter patter of Baby Frazier would be heard. Three years ago I would make a joke like, "Well we haven't even been married a year yet, so let's just wait until that mile marker hits ok?"
Then the year marker passed and more and more friends began poking and prodding asking when we were going to make the big announcement. And again I told them we were planning for our future, and being overseas away from our families wasn't ideal for both of us who are both super family oriented people. So I told them give it another year and then come back and ask.
Then the 2 year marker came and passed and I then started to get the concerning question if either me or my husband were infertile. That's when the poking and prodding really started to get to me. We were still living overseas and though I repeatedly told people we wanted our families near for this special time in our lives, many told us starting a family shouldn't matter to your families, it should matter to you. How did I respond to this? Deleted them off my social media and averted my direction when seeing them in public. Ain't nobody got time for dat.
So now here it is present day. We've been married close to 3 years (almost 4 legally.) And babies still aren't considered on the "To-Do" list. Do we want kids? Yes...and maybe no. Just like when we were married 6 months back in Italy, human children were still up in the air, and a "We'll get to that later" type of attitude. Later doesn't have a date for us. But also we're not the "If it happens, it happens!" type of couple either. My anxiety won't let me consider that type of mindset. The type that is carefree, worry free, and let life take you by the hand. I have never lived that way and am waaay too uptight and self controlling.
A part of me wishes I would let go of these anxious fears. I have been asked, "What are you so afraid about?" To be honest, I think all of it. The whole having a baby thing from A to Z. From start to finish (is there really ever an actual finish? More like infinity.)
I'm anxious to carry a child inside me.
I'm anxious to give birth.
I'm anxious to feed a child.
I'm anxious I won't understand when a child is sick.
I'm anxious about when a child sleeps.
I'm anxious about illnesses a child can acquire.
I'm anxious I won't have maternal instincts.
I'm anxious I will get so stressed out I will run away.
I'm anxious if I run away this child will resent me forever.
I'm anxious if I run away my husband will resent me forever.
After nearly 3 years of happily married to my one and only, I am still not ready to bring a human life into this world. Yep, I still can't wrap my head around the thought of myself reproducing.
And this has NOTHING to do with my husband. Because I knew from the start he would make an amazing father. That was one of the many, many things I was utterly and completely attracted to when I knew 1 month after dating him that he was the one. My husband is one of the most caring and take charge type of men I know. I know I sound boastful because I bet so many other women say that about their significant others but I mean everything I said. He would be there through thick and thin.
So I have to ask myself, "What the heck is wrong with me?"
I know my friends and family have said, "Oh you'll know when you know," and "You are still so young!" and "There's always adoption."
It's not just the "having a baby" thing I'm anxious about. It's actually raising a child too. Because of how I act and react as an adult, I'm just not so sure if taking care of another human life would be a wise decision for myself. I'm uber selfish, and (and this is going to sound strange) I am completely and hopelessly obsessed with our cats. Like an addiction. Not unhealthy, but not your typical "I love my cat" kind of thing. I treat our cats like they're our kids. But cats are SO EASY.
I tell people, "If you have a dog you somewhat like human kids because dogs are like human children in a way." "True anti kid people have cats. Or no pets at all, lol."
Stereotypical as that sounds, dogs are very much like a furry human child. They NEED your attention. They NEED to played with. They WANT to be next to you. Dogs are very awesome, but I honestly couldn't handle a dog if I owned one. So what does that tell you about me?
Bitter as this blog post sounds, I'm glad I finally got this off my chest. The ACTUAL reasons why human children still aren't on my "To do" list. I'm officially in my late twenties, I can hear my biological ticking in the background and I'm continuously ignoring the sound by watching my mass amount of YouTube videos. Luckily since we've traveled back to the Mother Land there have been so many more distractions I have been able to participate in like a job and school. Those help keep my mind on track for what I still want to accomplish in this lifespan.
So here's where I end my blog post. Still not a baby maker, nor a newlywed anymore...somewhere in between. And as rumors may stir and questions become more prevalent, I am starting to take on everything more with a grain of sand. If kids don't ever enter my life I'm ok with that. In a way it's sad, but in another way I absolutely HAVE to be ready for a kid to enter our lives. I know it's BOTH my husband and my choice, so this choice has to be mutual.
Cheers, Kadie
Those that don't know think I'm a stuck up b**** who is crazy spoiled because I'm a military wife. Which is completely and 100% false. Yeah I'm a military wife, but the weekly manicures, plethora amount of Coach purses, and bragging about my husband's rank are 3 things which do not have my name written anywhere on them. I'm a "from the sticks," keep-my-nails-short-because-I-play-musical-instruments, bought my ONE Coach mini purse half off, support but don't brag about my husband" kinda gal.
AND I'M COMPLETELY GETTING OFF TOPIC!
So back to the beginning of this post. Anxiety. Anxiety and I basically go hand in hand. I worry pretty much 23 out of the 24 hours of the day...yep, my dreams consist of worrying about whatever too. I can tell when an anxiety attack is coming on. I'll get chills, my heart will start pounding, and my brain will wander off into the worry zone in my cranium which basically fills 8/10ths of my head cavity. I am a glorified Worry Wart.
So you're prolly wondering, "Ok, so what does the word 'reproduce' in the title have anything to do with this post?"
Through the last 3 years of being married I have been a witness to an amazing amount of my friends both close and acquaintances who have taken the leap and started a family of human children. My heart has been filled with joy being there through many of the precious milestones starting with the baby bump all the way to their child's first tooth. When people say this is one of happiest times in their lives, I completely and absolutely believe it. When these parents tell me these are some of the most stressful and sleepless times in their lives, yeah I believe that too.
So what point am I trying to make here? I'm not trying to get a point across actually. My mind is almost split down in half with this whole baby mania thing that is getting harder and harder to avoid as I grow older and the years of being married grow a number every year as well. As I'm constantly and continuously asked (politely and curiously most cases) why I'm at this age already and don't have a bun in the oven, a kid slung on my hip, or one toddling by my side, all I can really do now is chuckle. And not in a nasty spiteful way. It's because I've been asked this more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. After being married for 6 whole months, a few friends gently poked and prodded when the pitter patter of Baby Frazier would be heard. Three years ago I would make a joke like, "Well we haven't even been married a year yet, so let's just wait until that mile marker hits ok?"
Then the year marker passed and more and more friends began poking and prodding asking when we were going to make the big announcement. And again I told them we were planning for our future, and being overseas away from our families wasn't ideal for both of us who are both super family oriented people. So I told them give it another year and then come back and ask.
Then the 2 year marker came and passed and I then started to get the concerning question if either me or my husband were infertile. That's when the poking and prodding really started to get to me. We were still living overseas and though I repeatedly told people we wanted our families near for this special time in our lives, many told us starting a family shouldn't matter to your families, it should matter to you. How did I respond to this? Deleted them off my social media and averted my direction when seeing them in public. Ain't nobody got time for dat.
So now here it is present day. We've been married close to 3 years (almost 4 legally.) And babies still aren't considered on the "To-Do" list. Do we want kids? Yes...and maybe no. Just like when we were married 6 months back in Italy, human children were still up in the air, and a "We'll get to that later" type of attitude. Later doesn't have a date for us. But also we're not the "If it happens, it happens!" type of couple either. My anxiety won't let me consider that type of mindset. The type that is carefree, worry free, and let life take you by the hand. I have never lived that way and am waaay too uptight and self controlling.
A part of me wishes I would let go of these anxious fears. I have been asked, "What are you so afraid about?" To be honest, I think all of it. The whole having a baby thing from A to Z. From start to finish (is there really ever an actual finish? More like infinity.)
I'm anxious to carry a child inside me.
I'm anxious to give birth.
I'm anxious to feed a child.
I'm anxious I won't understand when a child is sick.
I'm anxious about when a child sleeps.
I'm anxious about illnesses a child can acquire.
I'm anxious I won't have maternal instincts.
I'm anxious I will get so stressed out I will run away.
I'm anxious if I run away this child will resent me forever.
I'm anxious if I run away my husband will resent me forever.
After nearly 3 years of happily married to my one and only, I am still not ready to bring a human life into this world. Yep, I still can't wrap my head around the thought of myself reproducing.
And this has NOTHING to do with my husband. Because I knew from the start he would make an amazing father. That was one of the many, many things I was utterly and completely attracted to when I knew 1 month after dating him that he was the one. My husband is one of the most caring and take charge type of men I know. I know I sound boastful because I bet so many other women say that about their significant others but I mean everything I said. He would be there through thick and thin.
So I have to ask myself, "What the heck is wrong with me?"
I know my friends and family have said, "Oh you'll know when you know," and "You are still so young!" and "There's always adoption."
It's not just the "having a baby" thing I'm anxious about. It's actually raising a child too. Because of how I act and react as an adult, I'm just not so sure if taking care of another human life would be a wise decision for myself. I'm uber selfish, and (and this is going to sound strange) I am completely and hopelessly obsessed with our cats. Like an addiction. Not unhealthy, but not your typical "I love my cat" kind of thing. I treat our cats like they're our kids. But cats are SO EASY.
I tell people, "If you have a dog you somewhat like human kids because dogs are like human children in a way." "True anti kid people have cats. Or no pets at all, lol."
Stereotypical as that sounds, dogs are very much like a furry human child. They NEED your attention. They NEED to played with. They WANT to be next to you. Dogs are very awesome, but I honestly couldn't handle a dog if I owned one. So what does that tell you about me?
Bitter as this blog post sounds, I'm glad I finally got this off my chest. The ACTUAL reasons why human children still aren't on my "To do" list. I'm officially in my late twenties, I can hear my biological ticking in the background and I'm continuously ignoring the sound by watching my mass amount of YouTube videos. Luckily since we've traveled back to the Mother Land there have been so many more distractions I have been able to participate in like a job and school. Those help keep my mind on track for what I still want to accomplish in this lifespan.
So here's where I end my blog post. Still not a baby maker, nor a newlywed anymore...somewhere in between. And as rumors may stir and questions become more prevalent, I am starting to take on everything more with a grain of sand. If kids don't ever enter my life I'm ok with that. In a way it's sad, but in another way I absolutely HAVE to be ready for a kid to enter our lives. I know it's BOTH my husband and my choice, so this choice has to be mutual.
Cheers, Kadie
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Talk About It Tuesday: Not to Disappoint You...
It's Talk About It Tuesday people, and I'm back at it again.
I decided to write a post tonight explaining (or talking about) the plethora amount of questions that SO many of these new spouses arriving at Aviano have been asking on the spouse page.
DISCLOSURE: This post isn't to poke fun at, and all names have been kept anonymous. It's more of a "realistic" answer form which I so wish I would have known before stepping foot on that 14 hour plane ride nearly 3 years ago embarking on this magical and mystical...let's get real, this was no fairy tale adventure...this was more like a "kick-in-the-booty-more-disappointing-than-excellent-adventure-finding-myself-but-more-of-a-waste-time-I-lived-in-Italy."
So without further ado, here are just some of the questions which I (as well as others) have asked BEFORE [and] AFTER arriving here. Believe me I have the up most sympathy for these lovelies because I totally know how they feel!):
Q1: I sell a variety of handmade items on Etsy. What time does the Post Office on base open?
A1: Unfortunately due to the SOFA (Status of Forces Agreement) based on the Italian Law, it is illegal for spouses to sell items while residing in Italy for profit. The Post Office on base is not to be used for business related inquiries. The Italian Post Offices off base require a tax form and you will subjected to pay the 23% taxes. Also sending off numerous packages via Italian Post Office gives the Italian Law right to investigate if you are conducting a business without a work visa.
Q2: I am just a few credits shy of my Registered Nursing degree. What schools are offered on base?
A2: Unfortunately students can only take prerequisites for a RN degree. There are no hands-on courses available here.
Q3: I'm wanting to work on base. How do I apply for a job, and what jobs are offered?
A3: There are two options for applying for jobs. www.usajobs.gov and www.nafjobs.org. There you will make a profile and apply for the desired job. Just a fair warning it can be difficult to obtain a job here. If you are interested in childcare such as the Child Development Center (CDC,) and the Aviano Youth Program (AYP,) you shouldn't have as hard of time getting one of those jobs. Also the Bowling Alley and Deja Brew on base are usually hiring as well. Your resumes on file could take up to a year for you to obtain a job at a designated facility.
Q4: What's on base housing like?
A4: Here at Aviano there is no on base housing available. All enlisted and officers who are at a designated rank and/or married are required to live off base in a privately owned house/apartment/condo/duplex. There are a few "GHRP" (Government Housing Rental Program) homes available, but many are farther from base and not in very nice neighborhoods. Stand alone houses are few and far between, and many are farther from base as well. Many families live in "row houses" aka townhouses that suit very well.
Q5: What types of cars are driven there? I'm wanting to just get a little automatic for under $2,000.
A5: Many Italians drive little beater cars. About 80% of cars driven here are manual (stick shift.) Automatics are few and far between and are expensive because they are the most sought after. I would recommend learning how to drive a manual. There could be a chance that your car may break down or you need to take someone home and there's a good chance that car is a manual.
Q6: My husband and I are dry heat lovers! What's the weather like in Italy?
A6: Be prepared to purchase rain boots. Here in Northeastern Italy it rains...a lot! And it's also muggy and humid. It does get hot during the summer months, but combined with nearly 100% humidity and you're basking in a sticky hot mess.
Q7: I've heard the term "riposo." What's that?
A7: Riposo aka "Ease or Rest" is typically a 3 hour break mid day the Italian workers on the economy take. Entire stores close down for this "rest" so unfortunately you cannot run errands and such until after the riposo. Luckily on base doesn't have riposo.
Q8: What are gas coupons?
A8: Here in Italy gas is rationed to Americans. Unless you choose to pay in euro (and spend a fortune) the base has regulated monthly gas rations in order to provide somewhat of a break for Americans/on base faculty. Believe me, it's much cheaper using gas rations! One of the strings attached to this break are the gas stations close before 9pm on weekdays, 6pm on Saturdays, and noon on Sundays (unless you wish to drive all the way out to the Autostrada to get gas.) So many people suggest filling up before the weekend. Oh and gas stations also take riposos too, so plan accordingly.
Q9: The commissary always seems to run out of things quickly. Why is that?
A9: Blame the crunchies! Lol just kidding. The Aviano commissary runs out of certain items quite frequently because many items are popular among the community and cannot be purchased off base on the economy. Unfortunately the shipment schedule goes like this: Almost all shipments are first sent to Ramstein Germany, the hub and one of the largest bases in Europe. The shipments are then split and sent to Vicenza Army base, THEN Aviano. Yes, Aviano gets shipped to last usually. The BX also ships to Aviano last. That's why popular items which run out easily at Aviano are usually in stock at Vincenza and Ramstein...because those bases get the main shipments and Aviano basically get the remainder...but enough to stock their inventory. No leftovers.
Q10: What are the bills like in Italy?
A10: There are a few different type of bills: Electricity, Water, Gasolio, and Bombola. Let's start with electricity shall we? Recently housing switched companies to a new electric provider in hopes the electricity bills would come more frequently than the past company's "Once in a blue moon" pattern. Unfortunately just like the old company, this new company is on the same pattern. Electricity bills pop up at random. Sometimes every 3 months and sometimes every 6 months. The cost of electricity really depends on your home. If your home is newer, chances are it is more efficient. If your home is on the older side, chances are if the home hasn't been upgraded your bills will be higher. In the winter time on average, an electricity bill ranges from 500-1,300 Euros roughly every 3 months. Luckily (and I say this with a ton of emphasis) the military gives each family utility allowance to cover ALL of your utility expenses. What YOU choose to do with it is your own business, however there have been a few families who never had received a bill before they left and ended up owing $10,000!
So save that dough!
Water is by far the cheapest here. And pretty anywhere else in the world. On average water costs $100-$250/year. Crazy cheap!
Bombola is also fairly cheap and is also known as propane.
Gasolio is actually similar to electricity for the fact these bills can be random as well. Unless your home includes a gasolio tank in which you fill up how much you need for your radiators. My husband and myself have only filled up TWICE since we've lived at our house totaling $800. That's it! And the reason why we've only filled up twice and paid only $800 was because during the winter we chose to dress in layers, snuggle with the kitties, and basically freeze, lol. We were more into saving $$ than blowing it all on our selfish needs.
Q11: Whats's the culture like in Italy?
A11: Italian culture is quite different than the typical/average American culture. Italians are SLOW and take their time on daily tasks. What takes an American a day to accomplish, may take an Italian a week to get done. Italians are very family oriented, and enjoy spending most if not all their time with their loved ones. They take great pride in their eating times, and take time out to actually enjoy life. Most Italians are very happy, though they look irritated when looking at their faces. I call it the typical "Italian Stink Eye" lol. Also Italians don't understand what a personal bubble is. They crowd and [gently] push their way into groups. They're not trying to be mean necessarily, they just want to get what everyone else is having/doing.
Q12: My mom has the summer off and I'd like to go back on the rotator since it's cheaper. How does all of that work?
A12: Good luck trying to fly the rotator during the summer if you're a category 4 or below. Summer is the most busiest time to fly the rotator since many families with children PCS during that time so their children aren't taken out of school. Also many families go on vacation during the summer since their children are out of school. The motto for the rotator is, "It may be easy to get out of Aviano, but getting back is another story." Some people (mainly spouses and children) who are categories 4 and below are stranded at BWI (Baltimore International) for weeks at a time (this is if they don't have family on the East Coast, and had to take a plane to BWI.) My advice would be to fly commercial round trip if you're planning on going back stateside for the summer. From my own personal experience, I left during high PCS season easily, but chose to stay stateside for several months before flying on the rotator back to Aviano. Keep in mind if you are gone for over 30 days then you will lose COLA and utilities!
So now do you understand why many spouses aren't command sponsored? Or they simply return back stateside and never come back?
I know this post sounds like an utterly and completely negative, bitter, and "Why would you even write this post" but if you're ANYTHING like me..."entrepreneur ambitious, career-driven, family oriented, outgoing, not-ready-to-pop-some-kids-out" type of gal, then you should maybe think twice before putting Aviano Italy on your list.
I agree, it IS what you make of a place, and to bloom where you are planted. But after having at least 15 doors slammed in your face, I think something's telling me this place isn't for an individual like myself.
So for future spouses, take heart. Some will grow to love this place, and others (like myself) not so much.
I decided to write a post tonight explaining (or talking about) the plethora amount of questions that SO many of these new spouses arriving at Aviano have been asking on the spouse page.
DISCLOSURE: This post isn't to poke fun at, and all names have been kept anonymous. It's more of a "realistic" answer form which I so wish I would have known before stepping foot on that 14 hour plane ride nearly 3 years ago embarking on this magical and mystical...let's get real, this was no fairy tale adventure...this was more like a "kick-in-the-booty-more-disappointing-than-excellent-adventure-finding-myself-but-more-of-a-waste-time-I-lived-in-Italy."
So without further ado, here are just some of the questions which I (as well as others) have asked BEFORE [and] AFTER arriving here. Believe me I have the up most sympathy for these lovelies because I totally know how they feel!):
Q1: I sell a variety of handmade items on Etsy. What time does the Post Office on base open?
A1: Unfortunately due to the SOFA (Status of Forces Agreement) based on the Italian Law, it is illegal for spouses to sell items while residing in Italy for profit. The Post Office on base is not to be used for business related inquiries. The Italian Post Offices off base require a tax form and you will subjected to pay the 23% taxes. Also sending off numerous packages via Italian Post Office gives the Italian Law right to investigate if you are conducting a business without a work visa.
Q2: I am just a few credits shy of my Registered Nursing degree. What schools are offered on base?
A2: Unfortunately students can only take prerequisites for a RN degree. There are no hands-on courses available here.
Q3: I'm wanting to work on base. How do I apply for a job, and what jobs are offered?
A3: There are two options for applying for jobs. www.usajobs.gov and www.nafjobs.org. There you will make a profile and apply for the desired job. Just a fair warning it can be difficult to obtain a job here. If you are interested in childcare such as the Child Development Center (CDC,) and the Aviano Youth Program (AYP,) you shouldn't have as hard of time getting one of those jobs. Also the Bowling Alley and Deja Brew on base are usually hiring as well. Your resumes on file could take up to a year for you to obtain a job at a designated facility.
Q4: What's on base housing like?
A4: Here at Aviano there is no on base housing available. All enlisted and officers who are at a designated rank and/or married are required to live off base in a privately owned house/apartment/condo/duplex. There are a few "GHRP" (Government Housing Rental Program) homes available, but many are farther from base and not in very nice neighborhoods. Stand alone houses are few and far between, and many are farther from base as well. Many families live in "row houses" aka townhouses that suit very well.
Q5: What types of cars are driven there? I'm wanting to just get a little automatic for under $2,000.
A5: Many Italians drive little beater cars. About 80% of cars driven here are manual (stick shift.) Automatics are few and far between and are expensive because they are the most sought after. I would recommend learning how to drive a manual. There could be a chance that your car may break down or you need to take someone home and there's a good chance that car is a manual.
Q6: My husband and I are dry heat lovers! What's the weather like in Italy?
A6: Be prepared to purchase rain boots. Here in Northeastern Italy it rains...a lot! And it's also muggy and humid. It does get hot during the summer months, but combined with nearly 100% humidity and you're basking in a sticky hot mess.
Q7: I've heard the term "riposo." What's that?
A7: Riposo aka "Ease or Rest" is typically a 3 hour break mid day the Italian workers on the economy take. Entire stores close down for this "rest" so unfortunately you cannot run errands and such until after the riposo. Luckily on base doesn't have riposo.
Q8: What are gas coupons?
A8: Here in Italy gas is rationed to Americans. Unless you choose to pay in euro (and spend a fortune) the base has regulated monthly gas rations in order to provide somewhat of a break for Americans/on base faculty. Believe me, it's much cheaper using gas rations! One of the strings attached to this break are the gas stations close before 9pm on weekdays, 6pm on Saturdays, and noon on Sundays (unless you wish to drive all the way out to the Autostrada to get gas.) So many people suggest filling up before the weekend. Oh and gas stations also take riposos too, so plan accordingly.
Q9: The commissary always seems to run out of things quickly. Why is that?
A9: Blame the crunchies! Lol just kidding. The Aviano commissary runs out of certain items quite frequently because many items are popular among the community and cannot be purchased off base on the economy. Unfortunately the shipment schedule goes like this: Almost all shipments are first sent to Ramstein Germany, the hub and one of the largest bases in Europe. The shipments are then split and sent to Vicenza Army base, THEN Aviano. Yes, Aviano gets shipped to last usually. The BX also ships to Aviano last. That's why popular items which run out easily at Aviano are usually in stock at Vincenza and Ramstein...because those bases get the main shipments and Aviano basically get the remainder...but enough to stock their inventory. No leftovers.
Q10: What are the bills like in Italy?
A10: There are a few different type of bills: Electricity, Water, Gasolio, and Bombola. Let's start with electricity shall we? Recently housing switched companies to a new electric provider in hopes the electricity bills would come more frequently than the past company's "Once in a blue moon" pattern. Unfortunately just like the old company, this new company is on the same pattern. Electricity bills pop up at random. Sometimes every 3 months and sometimes every 6 months. The cost of electricity really depends on your home. If your home is newer, chances are it is more efficient. If your home is on the older side, chances are if the home hasn't been upgraded your bills will be higher. In the winter time on average, an electricity bill ranges from 500-1,300 Euros roughly every 3 months. Luckily (and I say this with a ton of emphasis) the military gives each family utility allowance to cover ALL of your utility expenses. What YOU choose to do with it is your own business, however there have been a few families who never had received a bill before they left and ended up owing $10,000!
So save that dough!
Water is by far the cheapest here. And pretty anywhere else in the world. On average water costs $100-$250/year. Crazy cheap!
Bombola is also fairly cheap and is also known as propane.
Gasolio is actually similar to electricity for the fact these bills can be random as well. Unless your home includes a gasolio tank in which you fill up how much you need for your radiators. My husband and myself have only filled up TWICE since we've lived at our house totaling $800. That's it! And the reason why we've only filled up twice and paid only $800 was because during the winter we chose to dress in layers, snuggle with the kitties, and basically freeze, lol. We were more into saving $$ than blowing it all on our selfish needs.
Q11: Whats's the culture like in Italy?
A11: Italian culture is quite different than the typical/average American culture. Italians are SLOW and take their time on daily tasks. What takes an American a day to accomplish, may take an Italian a week to get done. Italians are very family oriented, and enjoy spending most if not all their time with their loved ones. They take great pride in their eating times, and take time out to actually enjoy life. Most Italians are very happy, though they look irritated when looking at their faces. I call it the typical "Italian Stink Eye" lol. Also Italians don't understand what a personal bubble is. They crowd and [gently] push their way into groups. They're not trying to be mean necessarily, they just want to get what everyone else is having/doing.
Q12: My mom has the summer off and I'd like to go back on the rotator since it's cheaper. How does all of that work?
A12: Good luck trying to fly the rotator during the summer if you're a category 4 or below. Summer is the most busiest time to fly the rotator since many families with children PCS during that time so their children aren't taken out of school. Also many families go on vacation during the summer since their children are out of school. The motto for the rotator is, "It may be easy to get out of Aviano, but getting back is another story." Some people (mainly spouses and children) who are categories 4 and below are stranded at BWI (Baltimore International) for weeks at a time (this is if they don't have family on the East Coast, and had to take a plane to BWI.) My advice would be to fly commercial round trip if you're planning on going back stateside for the summer. From my own personal experience, I left during high PCS season easily, but chose to stay stateside for several months before flying on the rotator back to Aviano. Keep in mind if you are gone for over 30 days then you will lose COLA and utilities!
So now do you understand why many spouses aren't command sponsored? Or they simply return back stateside and never come back?
I know this post sounds like an utterly and completely negative, bitter, and "Why would you even write this post" but if you're ANYTHING like me..."entrepreneur ambitious, career-driven, family oriented, outgoing, not-ready-to-pop-some-kids-out" type of gal, then you should maybe think twice before putting Aviano Italy on your list.
I agree, it IS what you make of a place, and to bloom where you are planted. But after having at least 15 doors slammed in your face, I think something's telling me this place isn't for an individual like myself.
So for future spouses, take heart. Some will grow to love this place, and others (like myself) not so much.
Friday, August 29, 2014
FAQ's: You asked, we answered!
Over the few years my husband and I have been married and living abroad, I've had quite the plethora of questions asked by my fellow friends and followers. I answer most, but those answers don't travel through the grapevine making new friends and followers ask repeated questions. So I decided why not list the most commonly asked questions here, and I give you our answers!
Q: There seems to be not just one wedding date for you guys. Why is that?
A: You're right there isn't just one. According to the state of Washington our legal marriage date is September 21, 2011. However we "officially" wed in front of our friends and family on April 14, 2012.
Q: When did your husband Topher join the military?
A: Toph enlisted in the military in February 2009 however he waited until one of his top 3 job positions opened up and went to basic training in April 2011. Unfortunately his "join date" didn't count until he went to basic.
Q: Why did your husband enlist in the military?
A: Toph enlisted after realizing his current job was getting him no where. He knew he wanted to better himself for the future and earn a decent living. I couldn't be more proud of him because sometimes it takes a person years to realize their life isn't going anywhere.
Q: Why did your husband choose Italy as his first duty assignment?
A: Toph actually didn't choose Italy as his first assignment. Italy was chosen by the Air Force. Ironically he put nothing down for overseas bases, because he wanted to stay as close to his family as possible. The Air Force puts you where they want you, and where a job opening suitable for your rank is offered.
Q: So he didn't choose Mountain Home AFB in Idaho either?
A: Technically we chose Mountain Home AFB out of the bases that were offered to us at that time. Idaho was the only job opening that was close to both our families.
Q: Weren't you guys going to Japan earlier this year?
A: Yes we had orders to Japan however Toph chose to amend those orders because I wanted to continue furthering my education and to be close to our families. Living almost 6,000 miles away in Italy has been rough on both of us.
Q: Why do you hate Italy so much? It's a gorgeous country that many only dream of visiting.
A: We don't "hate" Italy. And "visiting" here is SO much different than "living" here. For me as a career-driven entrepreneur Italy was a major set back. Legally I cannot have a home business here since I do not posses a work visa. I am on a government affiliated mission visa. About 99.9% of the dependents here have a mission visa. I chose not to obtain a work visa here due to the 23% taxes I would have to pay, and losing my base privileges. Though there are some dependents here that continue to have a home business, I chose to shut mine down and not run the risk of being deported or ending up in the Italian jail for an associated amount of time. I also could not go to school for my desired major because it is not offered here on base. To visit here is wonderful because tourists don't become stuck in a rut of day-to-day life that just seems to drag on. Heck if I were to just "visit" here with no strings attached I would be more than willing to say I LOVE ITALY!
Q: What's the weather like in Italy?
A: It depends on which part of Italy you're wanting to know about. Here in Northeastern Italy it's humid almost year around. It rains almost year around as well. Summers are usually muggy and around mid eighties. The winters here are wet and cold with sometimes a dusting of snow. I usually tell people it's similar to the weather in the Pacific Northwest, but just crank up the humidity to 90%.
Q: What rank is your husband?
A: Toph tacked on Senior Airmen last November, so he is an E4 rank.
Q: We haven't heard you talk about the food in Italy very often...do you enjoy it?
A: Personally the food here is kinda bland. I cook homemade meals anywhere from 90-95% of the time (we rarely eat out) and I honestly prefer my cooking (yes I'm biased) over the cooking here. It's ok, but I miss American cooking with a passion.
Q: Is it expensive to live in Italy?
A: If you're living on the economy as a American citizen yes, I believe it's very expensive. Though produce markets here are relatively cheap, dining out here is ridiculously expensive. We really only go to a sushi restaurant about every 3 months or so and for both of us to order 4-5 things off the menu is about $70. Those items in the states would have cost us maybe $30. Rip off.
Q: What exactly does the military pay for?
A: The military pays for our house, medical/dental, utility allowance, and COLA (cost of living allowance for overseas.) But technically much of that comes out of Toph's paycheck.
Q: Where have you traveled while in Italy?
A: Not very much, lol. We've never left Italy. We chose to save our $$ and plan for our future.
Q: Aren't you going to regret never traveling while living abroad?
A: Not really. We just never got the travel bug. Sad to most, but like mentioned earlier, we had no intentions of living abroad. It's expensive to travel here.
Q: Why didn't you ever get a job there?
A: I actually tried for over a year to get a job. I applied for over 15 different positions and was unfortunately never hired. Degrees and certifications didn't mean ANYTHING as to why I wasn't hired. None of the jobs I applied for required a degree. There is over 2,000 dependents here all applying for virtually the same positions...it was too competitive. The last job I applied for and wasn't hired was because the dependent which was hired made cookies. Yep, a sad reason.
Q: You mention 220V...what's that?
A: Here in Europe 220V is the electricity used. 220 volts/50 hertz. In the states the electricity is 110 volts/60 hertz. Unless your appliances/electronics are dual voltage you will have to purchase 220 items or use your 110 items on a transformer. We chose not to use our 110 items on a transformer because the motor wears out faster. So all the appliances we were given at our wedding are still new in their boxes waiting to be used when we get to Mountain Home!!!
Q: What kind of camera do you shoot with?
A: I shoot with an entry level Canon T3i DSLR. I'm an amateur photographer (just started this year) and decided on this camera to begin with. The one thing I would change about this camera would be continuous auto focus. The T4i is when Canon started making continuous auto focus on their entry level cameras.
Q: New lens?
A: I just got the cheapest lens Canon makes, a 50mm 1.8. It was 100 bucks. I wanted something that would make the bokeh super creamy in the background. This is an awesome lens if you're wanting to step outside your comfort-zoned kit lens. It is however a prime lens meaning you can't zoom in or out without physically getting closer or farther away from your object. And using this on a crop sensor camera actually makes this lens an 80mm instead of a 50mm. I would LOVE a full framed camera...but not the $$$$ price tag.
Q: What do you use to edit your videos.
A: Windows Live Movie Maker. And I hate it, lol. It's great for just the basic stuff but if you're looking for voice overs, zooming in on a clip, etc. Definitely go with something more pro. iMovie is amazing. My next laptop (once this one kicks the dust) will be a MacBook Pro. I am beginning to despise PC's lol.
So that's a good amount of questions for ya all to read through! Please comment down below if you'd like me to answer some more questions in the near future!
Q: There seems to be not just one wedding date for you guys. Why is that?
A: You're right there isn't just one. According to the state of Washington our legal marriage date is September 21, 2011. However we "officially" wed in front of our friends and family on April 14, 2012.
Q: When did your husband Topher join the military?
A: Toph enlisted in the military in February 2009 however he waited until one of his top 3 job positions opened up and went to basic training in April 2011. Unfortunately his "join date" didn't count until he went to basic.
Q: Why did your husband enlist in the military?
A: Toph enlisted after realizing his current job was getting him no where. He knew he wanted to better himself for the future and earn a decent living. I couldn't be more proud of him because sometimes it takes a person years to realize their life isn't going anywhere.
Q: Why did your husband choose Italy as his first duty assignment?
A: Toph actually didn't choose Italy as his first assignment. Italy was chosen by the Air Force. Ironically he put nothing down for overseas bases, because he wanted to stay as close to his family as possible. The Air Force puts you where they want you, and where a job opening suitable for your rank is offered.
Q: So he didn't choose Mountain Home AFB in Idaho either?
A: Technically we chose Mountain Home AFB out of the bases that were offered to us at that time. Idaho was the only job opening that was close to both our families.
Q: Weren't you guys going to Japan earlier this year?
A: Yes we had orders to Japan however Toph chose to amend those orders because I wanted to continue furthering my education and to be close to our families. Living almost 6,000 miles away in Italy has been rough on both of us.
Q: Why do you hate Italy so much? It's a gorgeous country that many only dream of visiting.
A: We don't "hate" Italy. And "visiting" here is SO much different than "living" here. For me as a career-driven entrepreneur Italy was a major set back. Legally I cannot have a home business here since I do not posses a work visa. I am on a government affiliated mission visa. About 99.9% of the dependents here have a mission visa. I chose not to obtain a work visa here due to the 23% taxes I would have to pay, and losing my base privileges. Though there are some dependents here that continue to have a home business, I chose to shut mine down and not run the risk of being deported or ending up in the Italian jail for an associated amount of time. I also could not go to school for my desired major because it is not offered here on base. To visit here is wonderful because tourists don't become stuck in a rut of day-to-day life that just seems to drag on. Heck if I were to just "visit" here with no strings attached I would be more than willing to say I LOVE ITALY!
Q: What's the weather like in Italy?
A: It depends on which part of Italy you're wanting to know about. Here in Northeastern Italy it's humid almost year around. It rains almost year around as well. Summers are usually muggy and around mid eighties. The winters here are wet and cold with sometimes a dusting of snow. I usually tell people it's similar to the weather in the Pacific Northwest, but just crank up the humidity to 90%.
Q: What rank is your husband?
A: Toph tacked on Senior Airmen last November, so he is an E4 rank.
Q: We haven't heard you talk about the food in Italy very often...do you enjoy it?
A: Personally the food here is kinda bland. I cook homemade meals anywhere from 90-95% of the time (we rarely eat out) and I honestly prefer my cooking (yes I'm biased) over the cooking here. It's ok, but I miss American cooking with a passion.
Q: Is it expensive to live in Italy?
A: If you're living on the economy as a American citizen yes, I believe it's very expensive. Though produce markets here are relatively cheap, dining out here is ridiculously expensive. We really only go to a sushi restaurant about every 3 months or so and for both of us to order 4-5 things off the menu is about $70. Those items in the states would have cost us maybe $30. Rip off.
Q: What exactly does the military pay for?
A: The military pays for our house, medical/dental, utility allowance, and COLA (cost of living allowance for overseas.) But technically much of that comes out of Toph's paycheck.
Q: Where have you traveled while in Italy?
A: Not very much, lol. We've never left Italy. We chose to save our $$ and plan for our future.
Q: Aren't you going to regret never traveling while living abroad?
A: Not really. We just never got the travel bug. Sad to most, but like mentioned earlier, we had no intentions of living abroad. It's expensive to travel here.
Q: Why didn't you ever get a job there?
A: I actually tried for over a year to get a job. I applied for over 15 different positions and was unfortunately never hired. Degrees and certifications didn't mean ANYTHING as to why I wasn't hired. None of the jobs I applied for required a degree. There is over 2,000 dependents here all applying for virtually the same positions...it was too competitive. The last job I applied for and wasn't hired was because the dependent which was hired made cookies. Yep, a sad reason.
Q: You mention 220V...what's that?
A: Here in Europe 220V is the electricity used. 220 volts/50 hertz. In the states the electricity is 110 volts/60 hertz. Unless your appliances/electronics are dual voltage you will have to purchase 220 items or use your 110 items on a transformer. We chose not to use our 110 items on a transformer because the motor wears out faster. So all the appliances we were given at our wedding are still new in their boxes waiting to be used when we get to Mountain Home!!!
Q: What kind of camera do you shoot with?
A: I shoot with an entry level Canon T3i DSLR. I'm an amateur photographer (just started this year) and decided on this camera to begin with. The one thing I would change about this camera would be continuous auto focus. The T4i is when Canon started making continuous auto focus on their entry level cameras.
Q: New lens?
A: I just got the cheapest lens Canon makes, a 50mm 1.8. It was 100 bucks. I wanted something that would make the bokeh super creamy in the background. This is an awesome lens if you're wanting to step outside your comfort-zoned kit lens. It is however a prime lens meaning you can't zoom in or out without physically getting closer or farther away from your object. And using this on a crop sensor camera actually makes this lens an 80mm instead of a 50mm. I would LOVE a full framed camera...but not the $$$$ price tag.
Q: What do you use to edit your videos.
A: Windows Live Movie Maker. And I hate it, lol. It's great for just the basic stuff but if you're looking for voice overs, zooming in on a clip, etc. Definitely go with something more pro. iMovie is amazing. My next laptop (once this one kicks the dust) will be a MacBook Pro. I am beginning to despise PC's lol.
So that's a good amount of questions for ya all to read through! Please comment down below if you'd like me to answer some more questions in the near future!
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Did I just waste the last 2 years of my life?
List of things I've accomplished on my typical Saturday:
So why do I feel like I've wasted the past 2 years of my life living overseas in a "beautiful" and "sought after" foreign country you ask?
Okie so here's a tad about myself. Just a little sprinkle of why me, K-dee isn't a lover of Italy, stay-at-home wife who doesn't have dinner ready on the table by 5pm, and always has a mountain full of dishes.
I cannot focus on one thing in particular for very long. My life is forever and always changing. I can't follow a routine, although I can make a habit out of something pretty quickly. I worry about more things than the average person worries about in their lifetime, and always wonder what people think of me. Yes, I am very conscious of my surroundings.
I had extremely high goals for myself before setting sail to live abroad with my husband, and had no idea just how much I would have to give/pay the price in order to say "I'm living in Italy" as my status symbol. Because for me Italy hasn't been a dream destination on my to-do list. Living in Italy has been pretty much the last thing I ever wanted to do in my life...seriously, honest Abe. I was very content living in my hometown, going to school, working on my personal goals, spending my summer working/volunteering on a regular basis. The desire to extend myself further beyond the United States never crossed my mind nor did it ever choose to cross it. Everything I mean everything changed when I left all I had ever known and came to live in Italy.
Through these past 2 years living here, breathing in this existence has made me feel like I'm on a continued extended vacation that never seems to end. I keep hoping this is some dream I just can't seem to shake myself out of but reality always brings me back to the real world. I can't help but think of what my life would be like if I wasn't chilling out over here being a paperweight most days.
I would have a job...probably not the same daycare job, but something I enjoy. The job market here on base is so freaking competitive that after applying for 15 different jobs, and 5 interviews later (with no actual bites) I decided enough was enough with that waste of time. I would also have my home-based business. Something which "legally isn't allowed" here in Italy because the locals are too proud to share the wealth. Home-based businesses range from free lancing to internet based. So that blows that.
And finally school. Yep, I had to literally quit school to come over here. The courses I requested to transfer didn't amount to the same "hours" which the college over here required. Plus I came to find out the only college I was able to apply to because "it had the best degree for my major" wasn't even an accredited school. So I was pretty much wasting my time with college over here. So there goes that.
Now do you understand why I am so filled with annoyance? It was one door after another that was slammed in my face...and I hated that feeling of staying stagnate. I have always been the type to move forward and have a plan for my goals. Being here, living this type of lifestyle so far away from reality puts my mind into a thick fog of confusion, distrust, and sadness. There are times where I feel scared about what direction my life is headed because there never seems like an end to the multiple times I sit on the couch watching YouTube videos day, after day, after day. What a hopeless and depressing life right?!?
Yeah, I'd have to agree.
So this is why I titled this post "Did I just waste the last 2 years of my life?"
Because honestly, in more ways than one, I believe I have. Granted I felt like I got a big butt-kicking when I arrived over here, not knowing how to do laundry, wash dishes, fold clothes, make dinner, or play "Blow away" by A Fine Frenzy on the guitar. **And now I've mastered each and every one of those things!**
But I feel I've had more than enough time to self reflect. I've had too much. Too much in fact I'm beginning to feel like a dog instead of a cat (and you know how I feel about cats!) I know I drive my husband crazy always asking him what he's doing, wanting to go on walks, getting excited when we go for a ride in the car....you're starting to see a patter right? Yep, dog characteristics. What the heck?!?
So as I wind down these last few months of living in Italy (which seem like they're taking FOREVER!) I can only keep reminding myself that this isn't forever. That there IS a light to the end of this long and dark seemingly never-ending tunnel. That soon I'll be living in reality again and not some over-extended never ending vacation. Because I'm an ambitious individual who wants SO much more out of life besides placing a band aid of wine over the misery (I don't drink wine very much, if at all...this was a mere stereotype of many spouses here,) online catalog shopping (because the stores here on the economy are outrageously over-priced,) or having a baby to keep myself company (and you all know how I feel about kids.)
DISCLOSURE: If you are offended by any of these attributed stereotypes... #sorrynotsorry
- Sleep in....check!
- Eat breakfast....check!
- Watch my Youtube channels....check!
- Do some laundry....check!
- Play with the cats....check!
And think about what I could have been doing if I wasn't living overseas....check.
As the months draw down to us [finally] getting out of this place, I feel more and more like I've pretty much wasted the last 2 years of my life here just twiddling my thumbs and staring out the window.
For any of the friends I've made while over here in Italy take heart. I am VERY thrilled I met each and every one of you and do not regret our times spent together. This is more of a self reflection pertaining to my existence and why I chose one life over the other.
So why do I feel like I've wasted the past 2 years of my life living overseas in a "beautiful" and "sought after" foreign country you ask?
Okie so here's a tad about myself. Just a little sprinkle of why me, K-dee isn't a lover of Italy, stay-at-home wife who doesn't have dinner ready on the table by 5pm, and always has a mountain full of dishes.
I cannot focus on one thing in particular for very long. My life is forever and always changing. I can't follow a routine, although I can make a habit out of something pretty quickly. I worry about more things than the average person worries about in their lifetime, and always wonder what people think of me. Yes, I am very conscious of my surroundings.
I had extremely high goals for myself before setting sail to live abroad with my husband, and had no idea just how much I would have to give/pay the price in order to say "I'm living in Italy" as my status symbol. Because for me Italy hasn't been a dream destination on my to-do list. Living in Italy has been pretty much the last thing I ever wanted to do in my life...seriously, honest Abe. I was very content living in my hometown, going to school, working on my personal goals, spending my summer working/volunteering on a regular basis. The desire to extend myself further beyond the United States never crossed my mind nor did it ever choose to cross it. Everything I mean everything changed when I left all I had ever known and came to live in Italy.
Through these past 2 years living here, breathing in this existence has made me feel like I'm on a continued extended vacation that never seems to end. I keep hoping this is some dream I just can't seem to shake myself out of but reality always brings me back to the real world. I can't help but think of what my life would be like if I wasn't chilling out over here being a paperweight most days.
I would have a job...probably not the same daycare job, but something I enjoy. The job market here on base is so freaking competitive that after applying for 15 different jobs, and 5 interviews later (with no actual bites) I decided enough was enough with that waste of time. I would also have my home-based business. Something which "legally isn't allowed" here in Italy because the locals are too proud to share the wealth. Home-based businesses range from free lancing to internet based. So that blows that.
And finally school. Yep, I had to literally quit school to come over here. The courses I requested to transfer didn't amount to the same "hours" which the college over here required. Plus I came to find out the only college I was able to apply to because "it had the best degree for my major" wasn't even an accredited school. So I was pretty much wasting my time with college over here. So there goes that.
Now do you understand why I am so filled with annoyance? It was one door after another that was slammed in my face...and I hated that feeling of staying stagnate. I have always been the type to move forward and have a plan for my goals. Being here, living this type of lifestyle so far away from reality puts my mind into a thick fog of confusion, distrust, and sadness. There are times where I feel scared about what direction my life is headed because there never seems like an end to the multiple times I sit on the couch watching YouTube videos day, after day, after day. What a hopeless and depressing life right?!?
Yeah, I'd have to agree.
So this is why I titled this post "Did I just waste the last 2 years of my life?"
Because honestly, in more ways than one, I believe I have. Granted I felt like I got a big butt-kicking when I arrived over here, not knowing how to do laundry, wash dishes, fold clothes, make dinner, or play "Blow away" by A Fine Frenzy on the guitar. **And now I've mastered each and every one of those things!**
But I feel I've had more than enough time to self reflect. I've had too much. Too much in fact I'm beginning to feel like a dog instead of a cat (and you know how I feel about cats!) I know I drive my husband crazy always asking him what he's doing, wanting to go on walks, getting excited when we go for a ride in the car....you're starting to see a patter right? Yep, dog characteristics. What the heck?!?
So as I wind down these last few months of living in Italy (which seem like they're taking FOREVER!) I can only keep reminding myself that this isn't forever. That there IS a light to the end of this long and dark seemingly never-ending tunnel. That soon I'll be living in reality again and not some over-extended never ending vacation. Because I'm an ambitious individual who wants SO much more out of life besides placing a band aid of wine over the misery (I don't drink wine very much, if at all...this was a mere stereotype of many spouses here,) online catalog shopping (because the stores here on the economy are outrageously over-priced,) or having a baby to keep myself company (and you all know how I feel about kids.)
DISCLOSURE: If you are offended by any of these attributed stereotypes... #sorrynotsorry
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Kadie Checks In: Health Update
So yesterday I posted an update on my personal Facebook wall explaining how happy and relieved I was to receive the best news [health wise] I had received in a very long time...like in a year. I also mentioned how I didn't want to go into too much detail on my wall, but after I posted my update I had numerous friends/family ask if everything with me was ok. So I thought, why not I share with the friends/family who would like to know what's been going on with me [health wise] over the past year.
I acknowledge I do not have to inform everyone, in fact I could keep my life updates to myself, but I'm the type of person who absolutely cannot keep these things bottled up in me and only leak certain information out to those who know me closely.
This post is not only to inform others about my health updates, but to also encourage others to keep their own health on track.
So onto my health update!
This whole craziness started over a year ago, in May 2013. I had been rather tired (pretty much when I moved to Italy with the 9 hour time difference, missing my family, etc.) and feeling a little blue every now and then. One of my friends asked me if I had ever had my thyroid levels checked. I said no, but my mom has had thyroid issues ever since I can remember, as well as her mother. My friend told me that thyroid issues can run in the family and to go have my thyroid checked. So I made an appointment and was able to be seen that next week. My (then) doctor (who was French) asked me all sorts of questions regarding my health. He asked if I had kids, was working, going to school, depressed, and if my husband was deployed. I answered no to every one of those questions except for the depressed part. I said I'm not completely and hopelessly depressed, but that I missed my family, my animals, and where I grew up. He understood but then made the assumption that I was bored at home and that attributed to my lack of energy. I was rather insulted because I don't find myself a completely lazy person who doesn't want to get up because she feels no purpose in life. I do in fact wake up each morning to greet the day.
So my doctor decided to have not only my thyroid levels checked but also my kidney and liver levels checked as well. I was more than willing to give all the blood they needed so I could finally put my feeling tired symptom at ease. Everyone I talked to said it was probably and undoubtedly my thyroid.
Two days later as I was editing a video I had been working on (while I was still in my PJ's and it was past noon) I received the phone call that would change the way I viewed my health forever. I answered the "no called id" call which was a nurse from the clinic. She asked if this was me and how I was doing. Yadda yadda yadda....the nurse then informed me that one of my levels (taken 2 days ago) was slightly lower than the normal range. I asked her which level it was and she said the four most shocking words I had ever heard, "Your white blood cell counts." I immediately froze. Words couldn't come out of my mouth. I started to stutter. To keep the conversation going (because obviously it wasn't on my end) the nurse continued by explaining my levels weren't dangerously low but it is requested I have them retested in about 2 weeks. Trying to snap myself out of my shock phase I said "Ok" in a very weak and terrifying voice. The nurse then told me not to worry and to have a good day. I hung up the phone...and...I started bawling.
I immediately called Toph. He was at work but picked up the phone. Here I was bawling like a baby on the other end, so when Toph asked what's wrong, I pretty much filled him in on my levels and how I was thinking crazy thoughts, etc. Toph is a guy's guy. A man. He doesn't get shaken up about anything. He told me I needed take a deep breath and calm down. He said there is nothing wrong with me so I had absolutely nothing to worry about. He also told me not to Google anything.
But as many of you know I am a crazy cat lady, and you know that phrase "Curiosity killed the cat?" Well I didn't listen to my husband's request not to research anything and...I did. The moment I typed into Google "Low white blood cell counts" I had over 1 million hits. So many terminal or life threatening diseases popped up and I pretty much lost it. I immediately called Toph back (now basically wailing.) He sounded annoyed asking, "Now what's wrong." Through my breaks of sniffling I said "Why did I look on Google! There was all these diseases! Now I think I'm dying!" Toph then said, "I told you not to!" And then had to get off the phone because he had to get back to work. So there I was...alone with the two cats.
It was almost 7:00am back at my parent's house and my mom leaves for work around that time, so I decided to take the plunge and call my mom. I call my mom about everything going on with my life, and this was one of those times where I had to hear her voice. I told her about my lower levels, how I used Google and now thought I was dying. I told her how I was so scared and how I just wanted to go home. I told her I wanted to be with her. She said I didn't need to worry and that I was going to be perfectly fine. She said I probably had a "silly bug" that caused my levels to be a little out of whack, and to not let this get to me (which unfortunately it already had.) Then she said she had to head out for work, but that I could call her later.
So there I was sitting on the floor in our hallway, curled in the fetal position, alone...well, the cats were with me. All these crazy thoughts running through my head.
The next 2 days felt like I was sailing through a wild ocean. My emotions were so fragile, even just looking at my husband made me burst into tears. I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, and even Facebook wasn't helping (shocker.) Toph kept telling me I wasn't sick because I hadn't been sick in so long. The last time I was "sick" was when I had a silly sore throat earlier that year, the same time he had a massive head cold. He was sick for 2 weeks (and taking antibiotics) while I was sick for 4 days (and didn't take anything.)
Fast forward about 2 weeks later. I had scheduled to have my levels retested and was hoping for better news. It was now the beginning of June and I was planning to go back to the states to see my family for a while (since I hadn't seen them in over a year.) Toph was going on a month long TDY and I didn't want to stay by myself for an entire month so I thought this would be the perfect time to leave for a while. So I went in the day of my appointment, got my blood drawn, and went back our house. I tried to keep my mind off of the potential phone call, and kept thinking positive thoughts. I knew I had to be brave not only for myself, but also for my husband (who enjoys being around a happy wife) and also our kitties (who feed off of positive energy.)
A few days after my levels retest I received a phone call (rather earlier in the morning...yes I was still in bed) from the clinic. It was a nurse with my test results. She said that my white cell counts were looking better (than before) and the doctor wanted to see me back in 2 months for a retest. I don't think I had ever been so relieved about something like this in such a long time! I immediately called Toph and told him my new results. He said "I told you there was nothing to worry about!" So I went back to sleep (yes I really did) until my initial wake up time about 2 hours later.
So now we are here today in August 2014. About 3 days ago I started having symptoms of a UTI so I called the nurse advice line (unfortunately here at Aviano there is no emergency room on base) because I didn't feel this was an emergency, and didn't want to have to lug myself and Toph all the way down to the Pordenone hospital at 10:00pm. The nurse asked me what my symptoms were, and told me that's what I probably had. She told me to drink plenty of water and to make an appointment with my doctor within 24 hours. That entire night in between drinking water and going to the bathroom (which I was in pain) I was physically exhausted. This same day I found out the actor Robin Williams had passed away, so I was dealing with that shock as well. Toph and I watched Hook (one of our favorite movies) to remember the late actor by and also to keep my mind off of my peeing situation.
The next day I made an appointment (which thankfully I could do a walk-in) and made my way to the clinic. I did the requested urinalysis and went back home. We had a TMO briefing that afternoon, so we decided to go to base a bit earlier to the commissary to grab something to eat. As we were eating our lunch in the car, Toph's phone began to rang. He answered it and handed the phone to me. On the other end was a nurse who had my results back from my urinalysis I had done earlier. She said there was no evidence of a UTI however there was protein found in my urine, which was concerning. She requested I come in for another urinalysis the next day. She also requested I really push the fluids (drink as much water as possible.)
After the TMO briefing Toph and I went back home and I started binge drinking...on water! I drank and drank....by the end of the night (around midnight) I had drank about 3 liters of water. The most I think I have ever drank in a day (very sad I know!)
So the next day bright and early Toph and I went in for another urinalysis. I tried my hardest not to use the bathroom before the test because I knew the most accurate reading would be with the most concentrated urine sample. So after my test I waited with Toph until I was called back. About 10 minutes later I was called back to a patient room where my heart rate, blood pressure, and temperature were all checked (the norm.) The airmen performing all of this was surprised at how fast my heart rate was going, so I told him I was really nervous. He asked why and I said, "Oh because whenever I go see the doctor there's usually something wrong with me." I was holding back tears trying to be brave. He saw I was fighting tears and said, "You don't have to worry, it's going to be alright." He then left and I waited for the doctor to come in. I swear I waited almost 20 minutes, but was finally greeted with a new doctor who seemed very jolly and comforting. We talked about what was going on with me, my UTI symptoms, etc. He was a little concerned that the last urinalysis (done yesterday) showed no evidence of a UTI, but only protein, so he said he was hoping this next test would show that I had a UTI since I had most if not all of the symptoms of one. He then proceeded to go to the Lab Dept. to see if my urinalysis was complete. I could have counted to 20 before my doctor came back in the room with a relieved look on his face saying I indeed had a UTI. He then told me that was the cause of the protein in my urine.
I can't really remember how I brought up the subject of my blood test results but I think it was brought up by me mentioning how my lower back had been hurting. He asked if the middle of my back had been hurting and I said no just my lower back. I said my mom had just been tested for a vitamin D deficiency and maybe that was the cause of my lower back symptoms. I had also mentioned that last year in May my prior doctor had my thyroid, liver, and kidneys tested. My current doctor was intrigued, so he pulled up my chart on the computer. He said everything looked completely normal until he saw my white cell counts which were slightly lower than normal, but then the raised in that 2 week period (when I went in to be retested.)
Now this is the part of the story that takes a slightly scary turn for me.
Earlier this year in January Toph, myself, and some of our buddies went up the mountain on an 8 mile hike. I took tons of pictures, and overall we had a great day. By the end of the hike I had pretty much considered myself a cripple because my left knee was aching so bad. I waited a good 2 weeks, and when I noticed my knee not healing I went into the clinic. My doctor said it was just a minor injury which can take up to a month to heal, and also did a blood test on me. I did not receive a call back on the test, so I assumed everything was good.
Back to story where my doctor was looking at my recent chart. After he read my white cell counts had risen the 2 weeks after my initial test (last May) he then saw my results from this past January. My white cell counts had lowered again. Not as low as the first initial test, but they weren't in the "normal" range anymore. I froze. I had so many questions popping up in my head like, "Why didn't I receive a phone call about this?" and "What does this mean?" etc. My doctor wasn't terribly concerned but said he'd like to get my blood retested just to see where my levels were now. I was so scared. I was shaking. I started asking a ton of questions, and almost started crying. My doctor told me there are all kinds of reasons why my white cell count was slightly lower than the normal range. But getting this tested now was important just in case there was something going on, it would be caught early rather than too late.
So after going to the pharmacy and getting my prescriptions for my UTI, I then waited at the Lab so I could have my blood drawn and tested. Then Toph and I went back home.
I pretty much wanted to crawl up in a hole, bury myself, and watch YouTube videos forever. I tried to sleep (because I was so tired from the day prior) but couldn't. I had too much on my mind. Like what if my white cell counts were still lower than normal. What if I needed to go into the clinic for further testing. What if I had to have an MRI done, or a CT scan performed? What if I had a terminal illness? Yep, my mind goes to those dark places when I think something's wrong with me. I'm a hypochondriac by nature. Always have and probably always will be. I've had so many people tell me I should be a doctor because I know a lot about different diseases and such (like text book definitions.) I always tell them no because then I'll think everything is wrong with me.
As I was trying to get my mind off of a variety of illnesses, my phone started buzzing. I froze. I turned my phone over and it said "No caller ID." I knew that was the clinic. I knew it was my test results. In the seconds leading up to my finger swiping the answer button I pretty much saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw me, Kadie playing with my Barbie dolls on my bed. I saw numerous family pictures from when I was little. I saw myself at fair, all those years of showing animals then being a 4-H leader and the Goat Superintendent. I saw myself playing my guitar on stage at the local talent show. I saw Toph and the day we were married in front of all our family and friends. But the most memorable flash I saw was of me, Toph, and our own kids. Both our families, together.
I pulled myself together and answered the phone. It was my doctor. He said he had my test results back. He said that my white cell counts were in the very normal range and he was very pleased with the number. He then said he would like me to get retested in 6 months to make sure my levels were still in the normal range.
This was music to my ears. I graciously said thank you so much, and to have a wonderful day. After I hung up the phone I started bawling. These weren't tears of sorrow but tears of joy. I immediately ran into Toph's office (where he plays his computer games) and told him the good news through my blubbery but happy tear stricken face. He said, "Babe I told you everything was going to be ok! You're healthy and you always were." Oh men. I love that my husband isn't the type to go on and on...he just makes it short and sweet.
I then posted my good news (not in detail) on my Facebook wall.
So now here I am today. I felt I had to tell (in very great detail) about my health life the past year and a half, so all of you can understand just what the heck is going on with me. I know my health scare wasn't completely horrible, and for many others there are far worse health scares they have had to encounter. For me this was the scariest situation I have ever had to face [health wise] in my whole entire life. I have always been relatively healthy growing up. I never had to encounter an overnight hospital visit, a surgery to remove something life threatening, or a scan to make sure I was not ailing a certain disease. I grew up worry free until I moved to Italy. Now I'm not blaming Italy for my health issues, but more over the stress I've had to encounter with living overseas in a foreign country, without my parents, and my husband of an official week. I'm not going to lie it was HARD. I was SAD. I was STRESSED. But I did it! I conquered living abroad for the amount of time requested on my husband's tour.
So now where do I go? Right now I'm currently on antibiotics for my UTI. I plan to have my blood retested in 6 months. But I'm not looking that far into the future. I don't want to think about that. Right now my health is good and I'm planning on believing it will stay that way. You have to be brave and think positive thoughts in order to have positive outlook on life. I'm not going to lie it's not hard [for me] to think about the bad things that could have happened if I received bad news from my last blood test. All I know is I am not alone. There are thousands of people in this world who are faced with the challenges in their own life, and what are many of those people doing? They're conquering their fears. They're getting out of bed and greeting the day. They're not thinking about what is ailing them but what is keeping them alive.
I have to remember to keep my positive thoughts strong and remind myself I AM healthy!! I am living and I am THRIVING! There is someone amazingly wonderful up there who is looking down on me. My time to go won't be for a VERY long time!! Life is beautiful, and we all need to live our lives not like it's our last day, but live our lives how we want to live them. To cherish the unforgettable moments. To savior the beautiful memories. To hold the love for ourselves and others in our hearts.
I acknowledge I do not have to inform everyone, in fact I could keep my life updates to myself, but I'm the type of person who absolutely cannot keep these things bottled up in me and only leak certain information out to those who know me closely.
This post is not only to inform others about my health updates, but to also encourage others to keep their own health on track.
So onto my health update!
This whole craziness started over a year ago, in May 2013. I had been rather tired (pretty much when I moved to Italy with the 9 hour time difference, missing my family, etc.) and feeling a little blue every now and then. One of my friends asked me if I had ever had my thyroid levels checked. I said no, but my mom has had thyroid issues ever since I can remember, as well as her mother. My friend told me that thyroid issues can run in the family and to go have my thyroid checked. So I made an appointment and was able to be seen that next week. My (then) doctor (who was French) asked me all sorts of questions regarding my health. He asked if I had kids, was working, going to school, depressed, and if my husband was deployed. I answered no to every one of those questions except for the depressed part. I said I'm not completely and hopelessly depressed, but that I missed my family, my animals, and where I grew up. He understood but then made the assumption that I was bored at home and that attributed to my lack of energy. I was rather insulted because I don't find myself a completely lazy person who doesn't want to get up because she feels no purpose in life. I do in fact wake up each morning to greet the day.
So my doctor decided to have not only my thyroid levels checked but also my kidney and liver levels checked as well. I was more than willing to give all the blood they needed so I could finally put my feeling tired symptom at ease. Everyone I talked to said it was probably and undoubtedly my thyroid.
Two days later as I was editing a video I had been working on (while I was still in my PJ's and it was past noon) I received the phone call that would change the way I viewed my health forever. I answered the "no called id" call which was a nurse from the clinic. She asked if this was me and how I was doing. Yadda yadda yadda....the nurse then informed me that one of my levels (taken 2 days ago) was slightly lower than the normal range. I asked her which level it was and she said the four most shocking words I had ever heard, "Your white blood cell counts." I immediately froze. Words couldn't come out of my mouth. I started to stutter. To keep the conversation going (because obviously it wasn't on my end) the nurse continued by explaining my levels weren't dangerously low but it is requested I have them retested in about 2 weeks. Trying to snap myself out of my shock phase I said "Ok" in a very weak and terrifying voice. The nurse then told me not to worry and to have a good day. I hung up the phone...and...I started bawling.
I immediately called Toph. He was at work but picked up the phone. Here I was bawling like a baby on the other end, so when Toph asked what's wrong, I pretty much filled him in on my levels and how I was thinking crazy thoughts, etc. Toph is a guy's guy. A man. He doesn't get shaken up about anything. He told me I needed take a deep breath and calm down. He said there is nothing wrong with me so I had absolutely nothing to worry about. He also told me not to Google anything.
But as many of you know I am a crazy cat lady, and you know that phrase "Curiosity killed the cat?" Well I didn't listen to my husband's request not to research anything and...I did. The moment I typed into Google "Low white blood cell counts" I had over 1 million hits. So many terminal or life threatening diseases popped up and I pretty much lost it. I immediately called Toph back (now basically wailing.) He sounded annoyed asking, "Now what's wrong." Through my breaks of sniffling I said "Why did I look on Google! There was all these diseases! Now I think I'm dying!" Toph then said, "I told you not to!" And then had to get off the phone because he had to get back to work. So there I was...alone with the two cats.
It was almost 7:00am back at my parent's house and my mom leaves for work around that time, so I decided to take the plunge and call my mom. I call my mom about everything going on with my life, and this was one of those times where I had to hear her voice. I told her about my lower levels, how I used Google and now thought I was dying. I told her how I was so scared and how I just wanted to go home. I told her I wanted to be with her. She said I didn't need to worry and that I was going to be perfectly fine. She said I probably had a "silly bug" that caused my levels to be a little out of whack, and to not let this get to me (which unfortunately it already had.) Then she said she had to head out for work, but that I could call her later.
So there I was sitting on the floor in our hallway, curled in the fetal position, alone...well, the cats were with me. All these crazy thoughts running through my head.
The next 2 days felt like I was sailing through a wild ocean. My emotions were so fragile, even just looking at my husband made me burst into tears. I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, and even Facebook wasn't helping (shocker.) Toph kept telling me I wasn't sick because I hadn't been sick in so long. The last time I was "sick" was when I had a silly sore throat earlier that year, the same time he had a massive head cold. He was sick for 2 weeks (and taking antibiotics) while I was sick for 4 days (and didn't take anything.)
Fast forward about 2 weeks later. I had scheduled to have my levels retested and was hoping for better news. It was now the beginning of June and I was planning to go back to the states to see my family for a while (since I hadn't seen them in over a year.) Toph was going on a month long TDY and I didn't want to stay by myself for an entire month so I thought this would be the perfect time to leave for a while. So I went in the day of my appointment, got my blood drawn, and went back our house. I tried to keep my mind off of the potential phone call, and kept thinking positive thoughts. I knew I had to be brave not only for myself, but also for my husband (who enjoys being around a happy wife) and also our kitties (who feed off of positive energy.)
A few days after my levels retest I received a phone call (rather earlier in the morning...yes I was still in bed) from the clinic. It was a nurse with my test results. She said that my white cell counts were looking better (than before) and the doctor wanted to see me back in 2 months for a retest. I don't think I had ever been so relieved about something like this in such a long time! I immediately called Toph and told him my new results. He said "I told you there was nothing to worry about!" So I went back to sleep (yes I really did) until my initial wake up time about 2 hours later.
So now we are here today in August 2014. About 3 days ago I started having symptoms of a UTI so I called the nurse advice line (unfortunately here at Aviano there is no emergency room on base) because I didn't feel this was an emergency, and didn't want to have to lug myself and Toph all the way down to the Pordenone hospital at 10:00pm. The nurse asked me what my symptoms were, and told me that's what I probably had. She told me to drink plenty of water and to make an appointment with my doctor within 24 hours. That entire night in between drinking water and going to the bathroom (which I was in pain) I was physically exhausted. This same day I found out the actor Robin Williams had passed away, so I was dealing with that shock as well. Toph and I watched Hook (one of our favorite movies) to remember the late actor by and also to keep my mind off of my peeing situation.
The next day I made an appointment (which thankfully I could do a walk-in) and made my way to the clinic. I did the requested urinalysis and went back home. We had a TMO briefing that afternoon, so we decided to go to base a bit earlier to the commissary to grab something to eat. As we were eating our lunch in the car, Toph's phone began to rang. He answered it and handed the phone to me. On the other end was a nurse who had my results back from my urinalysis I had done earlier. She said there was no evidence of a UTI however there was protein found in my urine, which was concerning. She requested I come in for another urinalysis the next day. She also requested I really push the fluids (drink as much water as possible.)
After the TMO briefing Toph and I went back home and I started binge drinking...on water! I drank and drank....by the end of the night (around midnight) I had drank about 3 liters of water. The most I think I have ever drank in a day (very sad I know!)
So the next day bright and early Toph and I went in for another urinalysis. I tried my hardest not to use the bathroom before the test because I knew the most accurate reading would be with the most concentrated urine sample. So after my test I waited with Toph until I was called back. About 10 minutes later I was called back to a patient room where my heart rate, blood pressure, and temperature were all checked (the norm.) The airmen performing all of this was surprised at how fast my heart rate was going, so I told him I was really nervous. He asked why and I said, "Oh because whenever I go see the doctor there's usually something wrong with me." I was holding back tears trying to be brave. He saw I was fighting tears and said, "You don't have to worry, it's going to be alright." He then left and I waited for the doctor to come in. I swear I waited almost 20 minutes, but was finally greeted with a new doctor who seemed very jolly and comforting. We talked about what was going on with me, my UTI symptoms, etc. He was a little concerned that the last urinalysis (done yesterday) showed no evidence of a UTI, but only protein, so he said he was hoping this next test would show that I had a UTI since I had most if not all of the symptoms of one. He then proceeded to go to the Lab Dept. to see if my urinalysis was complete. I could have counted to 20 before my doctor came back in the room with a relieved look on his face saying I indeed had a UTI. He then told me that was the cause of the protein in my urine.
I can't really remember how I brought up the subject of my blood test results but I think it was brought up by me mentioning how my lower back had been hurting. He asked if the middle of my back had been hurting and I said no just my lower back. I said my mom had just been tested for a vitamin D deficiency and maybe that was the cause of my lower back symptoms. I had also mentioned that last year in May my prior doctor had my thyroid, liver, and kidneys tested. My current doctor was intrigued, so he pulled up my chart on the computer. He said everything looked completely normal until he saw my white cell counts which were slightly lower than normal, but then the raised in that 2 week period (when I went in to be retested.)
Now this is the part of the story that takes a slightly scary turn for me.
Earlier this year in January Toph, myself, and some of our buddies went up the mountain on an 8 mile hike. I took tons of pictures, and overall we had a great day. By the end of the hike I had pretty much considered myself a cripple because my left knee was aching so bad. I waited a good 2 weeks, and when I noticed my knee not healing I went into the clinic. My doctor said it was just a minor injury which can take up to a month to heal, and also did a blood test on me. I did not receive a call back on the test, so I assumed everything was good.
Back to story where my doctor was looking at my recent chart. After he read my white cell counts had risen the 2 weeks after my initial test (last May) he then saw my results from this past January. My white cell counts had lowered again. Not as low as the first initial test, but they weren't in the "normal" range anymore. I froze. I had so many questions popping up in my head like, "Why didn't I receive a phone call about this?" and "What does this mean?" etc. My doctor wasn't terribly concerned but said he'd like to get my blood retested just to see where my levels were now. I was so scared. I was shaking. I started asking a ton of questions, and almost started crying. My doctor told me there are all kinds of reasons why my white cell count was slightly lower than the normal range. But getting this tested now was important just in case there was something going on, it would be caught early rather than too late.
So after going to the pharmacy and getting my prescriptions for my UTI, I then waited at the Lab so I could have my blood drawn and tested. Then Toph and I went back home.
I pretty much wanted to crawl up in a hole, bury myself, and watch YouTube videos forever. I tried to sleep (because I was so tired from the day prior) but couldn't. I had too much on my mind. Like what if my white cell counts were still lower than normal. What if I needed to go into the clinic for further testing. What if I had to have an MRI done, or a CT scan performed? What if I had a terminal illness? Yep, my mind goes to those dark places when I think something's wrong with me. I'm a hypochondriac by nature. Always have and probably always will be. I've had so many people tell me I should be a doctor because I know a lot about different diseases and such (like text book definitions.) I always tell them no because then I'll think everything is wrong with me.
As I was trying to get my mind off of a variety of illnesses, my phone started buzzing. I froze. I turned my phone over and it said "No caller ID." I knew that was the clinic. I knew it was my test results. In the seconds leading up to my finger swiping the answer button I pretty much saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw me, Kadie playing with my Barbie dolls on my bed. I saw numerous family pictures from when I was little. I saw myself at fair, all those years of showing animals then being a 4-H leader and the Goat Superintendent. I saw myself playing my guitar on stage at the local talent show. I saw Toph and the day we were married in front of all our family and friends. But the most memorable flash I saw was of me, Toph, and our own kids. Both our families, together.
I pulled myself together and answered the phone. It was my doctor. He said he had my test results back. He said that my white cell counts were in the very normal range and he was very pleased with the number. He then said he would like me to get retested in 6 months to make sure my levels were still in the normal range.
This was music to my ears. I graciously said thank you so much, and to have a wonderful day. After I hung up the phone I started bawling. These weren't tears of sorrow but tears of joy. I immediately ran into Toph's office (where he plays his computer games) and told him the good news through my blubbery but happy tear stricken face. He said, "Babe I told you everything was going to be ok! You're healthy and you always were." Oh men. I love that my husband isn't the type to go on and on...he just makes it short and sweet.
I then posted my good news (not in detail) on my Facebook wall.
So now here I am today. I felt I had to tell (in very great detail) about my health life the past year and a half, so all of you can understand just what the heck is going on with me. I know my health scare wasn't completely horrible, and for many others there are far worse health scares they have had to encounter. For me this was the scariest situation I have ever had to face [health wise] in my whole entire life. I have always been relatively healthy growing up. I never had to encounter an overnight hospital visit, a surgery to remove something life threatening, or a scan to make sure I was not ailing a certain disease. I grew up worry free until I moved to Italy. Now I'm not blaming Italy for my health issues, but more over the stress I've had to encounter with living overseas in a foreign country, without my parents, and my husband of an official week. I'm not going to lie it was HARD. I was SAD. I was STRESSED. But I did it! I conquered living abroad for the amount of time requested on my husband's tour.
So now where do I go? Right now I'm currently on antibiotics for my UTI. I plan to have my blood retested in 6 months. But I'm not looking that far into the future. I don't want to think about that. Right now my health is good and I'm planning on believing it will stay that way. You have to be brave and think positive thoughts in order to have positive outlook on life. I'm not going to lie it's not hard [for me] to think about the bad things that could have happened if I received bad news from my last blood test. All I know is I am not alone. There are thousands of people in this world who are faced with the challenges in their own life, and what are many of those people doing? They're conquering their fears. They're getting out of bed and greeting the day. They're not thinking about what is ailing them but what is keeping them alive.
I have to remember to keep my positive thoughts strong and remind myself I AM healthy!! I am living and I am THRIVING! There is someone amazingly wonderful up there who is looking down on me. My time to go won't be for a VERY long time!! Life is beautiful, and we all need to live our lives not like it's our last day, but live our lives how we want to live them. To cherish the unforgettable moments. To savior the beautiful memories. To hold the love for ourselves and others in our hearts.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
First Day of Summer and Feeling Like I'm Being Punished
Happy first day of Summer 2014 yo!
I am ever so happy to get into the warmer weather here in Italy after the horrendous months of numb to the bone fingers and toes, and wrapped up in 3 layers of clothing plus more blankets. That was not fun. The reason why we chose not to turn on our heat you ask? Because we were not going to be paying those lovely $1,300 heating bills every 3 months! So, while basically everyone else here in Italy turned up the heat and paid outrageous bills, we chose to freeze in a 53* F house. Yep, we suffered.
So now you understand why I'm more than ever ecstatic about having warmer weather again! Although in Northeastern Italy it's muggy and humid, I'd rather be sticky and hot than miserable and chilled to the bone any day!
So now onto the other other part of the title. Why do I feel like I'm being punished? This topic has sprinkled itself many times in my blog, but I want to talk about it some more. I feel like I'm being punished more times over none because I don't have children. Don't get me wrong, being a mother is one of the hardest, if not the hardest job on this Earth, but why should the women that do not have children (me) feel like I'm being punished because I'm choosing not to bring another human being into this world?
I work hard too. My work may not be a labor intensive or need the patience that being a mom needs, but that doesn't mean that the non-moms just sit back on their tushes doing jack nothing.
I will admit being here in Italy has created more than enough time for me to self-reflect and actually find myself. I can say I'm no longer in a "mind fog" where I'm multi-taking to the world's end anymore. I just hate when people ask me "What do you do with all your time since you don't work, you don't go to school, and you have no children?" "I would go absolutely insane!"
Well, if you haven't lived in my shoes then you wouldn't know that I have gone insane here and became mildly depressed because I wasn't able to accomplish everything that I set my mind to while living overseas. I said it once and I'll say it again. Living abroad isn't everything it's cracked up to be. Especially if you're an ambitious person like myself. There are many drawbacks to my career field and my lifestyle.
So back onto the subject because once again I've gone off kilter! Since this base is swarming with more parents of children than there are of just couples, it's hard to find friends who are childless like myself. But I have managed to find a few hiding in the corners here. That's what the childless wives mostly do. We keep to ourselves.
I just feel I'm at a disadvantage once again with my life and because I've chosen the no kid path. I hate when people think it's the end of the world because I don't feel stable enough to raise a human. I know I have my husband to help me, but let's be honest, I can barely take care of our cats. And I love them to the moon and back. So what would make a child any different?
I realize it's my choice. But this choice shouldn't have the consequences of having heads turned and looked down upon because I feel like I should have a say in something or receive gratification for a well-done job I completed. I feel that moms get so much more gratification on the exact same thing because they also had to look after a child. It's called multi-tasking and we as women are supposed to have that capability.
So to all the moms out there. I give you all a huge high-five that you can take care of your children as well as accomplishing daily chores/tasks. Because apparently all of my accomplishments aren't worth a CENT because I haven't gotten on board the mommy train.
I am ever so happy to get into the warmer weather here in Italy after the horrendous months of numb to the bone fingers and toes, and wrapped up in 3 layers of clothing plus more blankets. That was not fun. The reason why we chose not to turn on our heat you ask? Because we were not going to be paying those lovely $1,300 heating bills every 3 months! So, while basically everyone else here in Italy turned up the heat and paid outrageous bills, we chose to freeze in a 53* F house. Yep, we suffered.
So now you understand why I'm more than ever ecstatic about having warmer weather again! Although in Northeastern Italy it's muggy and humid, I'd rather be sticky and hot than miserable and chilled to the bone any day!
So now onto the other other part of the title. Why do I feel like I'm being punished? This topic has sprinkled itself many times in my blog, but I want to talk about it some more. I feel like I'm being punished more times over none because I don't have children. Don't get me wrong, being a mother is one of the hardest, if not the hardest job on this Earth, but why should the women that do not have children (me) feel like I'm being punished because I'm choosing not to bring another human being into this world?
I work hard too. My work may not be a labor intensive or need the patience that being a mom needs, but that doesn't mean that the non-moms just sit back on their tushes doing jack nothing.
I will admit being here in Italy has created more than enough time for me to self-reflect and actually find myself. I can say I'm no longer in a "mind fog" where I'm multi-taking to the world's end anymore. I just hate when people ask me "What do you do with all your time since you don't work, you don't go to school, and you have no children?" "I would go absolutely insane!"
Well, if you haven't lived in my shoes then you wouldn't know that I have gone insane here and became mildly depressed because I wasn't able to accomplish everything that I set my mind to while living overseas. I said it once and I'll say it again. Living abroad isn't everything it's cracked up to be. Especially if you're an ambitious person like myself. There are many drawbacks to my career field and my lifestyle.
So back onto the subject because once again I've gone off kilter! Since this base is swarming with more parents of children than there are of just couples, it's hard to find friends who are childless like myself. But I have managed to find a few hiding in the corners here. That's what the childless wives mostly do. We keep to ourselves.
I just feel I'm at a disadvantage once again with my life and because I've chosen the no kid path. I hate when people think it's the end of the world because I don't feel stable enough to raise a human. I know I have my husband to help me, but let's be honest, I can barely take care of our cats. And I love them to the moon and back. So what would make a child any different?
I realize it's my choice. But this choice shouldn't have the consequences of having heads turned and looked down upon because I feel like I should have a say in something or receive gratification for a well-done job I completed. I feel that moms get so much more gratification on the exact same thing because they also had to look after a child. It's called multi-tasking and we as women are supposed to have that capability.
So to all the moms out there. I give you all a huge high-five that you can take care of your children as well as accomplishing daily chores/tasks. Because apparently all of my accomplishments aren't worth a CENT because I haven't gotten on board the mommy train.
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