Still Not Ready

Yesterday was a bit of an emotional day. More of the positive emotions over the negative ones, however I still cried.

Yesterday I visited my good friend and her husband at the base clinic (hospital) on base because the day before was and forever will be one of the biggest day in their lives. Their beautiful twin (yes I said twin) baby boys arrived. Wow! Twins!

My friend asked if I'd like to come and see them and I jumped at the chance. I haven't seen a newborn baby in like, forever. Shocker right?

To start off my journey to see the twins I attempted to make my way into the hospital. Attempt One: Fail. Attempt Two: Message my exhausted friend explaining her problematic friend (me) was having issues making my way into the hospital. Attempt Three: Finally entering the hospital but going to the wrong floor...apparently the "second floor" to the Italians actually means the number "1" in the elevator.

I don't think I'll ever understand Europe/Italy.

After making a few wrong turns and going down a floor, I was greeted by my friend's husband who led me to their room.

Immediately I could feel the essence in the room as calm, relaxed, and new with life. It was a great emotion to feel. And then I saw one of their twins. So little. So precious. So new and so innocent. My friend and her husband were grinning ear to ear. They were so proud of their new little family and their mark on the world of life. And I was so proud of them.

They were absolutely beautiful. Even the names my friend and her husband picked out were so unique and really shed light on the personal level of their marriage and relationship. The first little guy I saw was all swaddled up and sound asleep. He looked absolutely and perfectly content. I asked my friend's husband if they were good babies so far and he said one was pretty content and the other enjoyed a good cry now and then, lol. Then he said, "Well they are twins...there's always that one!"

Even though I wasn't able to hold either of them, I was totally and perfectly okay with just seeing them. Being twins they were extra fragile and still needed a little help with living outside of their momma. One of the boys needed some UV light and the other needed to be kept warm.

After chatting with my exhausted yet totally and completely happy friend, plus visiting with them and their twins for about an hour I felt it was a good time to head out as I didn't want to make my stay too long and keep the family from losing sleep/family time together. I felt so special to be the first visitor they had!

As I made my way back to my car in the parking lot I picked up some trash that apparently someone didn't take the time to easily place in the large covered trash can. Sheesh.

I unlocked my car got in, put the keys in the ignition, and began sobbing. Uncontrollably. Completely ruining my 5 coats of time staking mascara I applied to my short stubby droopy lashes. Nice one Kadie. Racoon eyes.

The realization got to me that my friend and her husband would be caring for their little ones forever. It wouldn't just be my friend and her husband anymore, it would be my friend, her husband, and their twins now. Forever. Nothing will ever change that.

It was a scary realization for me that one day I might be caring for little people the rest of my life as well. I wonder if all parents have a moment like, "Oh wow, I now have someone to take care of the rest of my life."

It's a feeling that's been growing stronger the longer I've been married, the longer I've been away from my family, and the longer I've been living on my own for the past two years. The feeling which I'm not sure if children will ever fit into my life, if I'm even capable of taking care of something that needs constant and continuous time and effort, even when I'm feeling my worst which I still have to give 100 percent. Because when I'm feeling under the weather now pretty much my whole world shuts down and I'm basically useless.

I'm nearly beginning to start my late twenties and I still feel I'm not ready for children. Will I ever be ready to make that huge step in my life? I do love littles but the realization of caring for them under my own supervision and having teachers grade my children on how well I've worked with them is something that completely and utterly frighten me.

I'm not ready.

Will I ever be ready? As of right at this moment I still can't make a definite decision. But honestly if littles never make their way into my life I won't be crushed. There are plenty of children in this world that I can oogle and aww at. Hold and cherish. Watch grow and flourish.

Even if I choose not to change the world with a prodigy child I know I want to make a difference one way or another.